Claud

An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart.

She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art.

For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up,

in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.

There's something that bothers me lately. And there's an sense of restlessness that I feel. I suppose I don't like the feeling of not being good at something, and it's fairly clear that we are not geniuses at everything. I suppose there has been nothing I had not done well before, should I choose to, and even when I do not do them well, I can choose to walk away from it and decide to conquer something else that is more important to me.

A case in point would be my dismal attempt at math.

However, lately I am learning something else about myself. I suck at relationships and dating. In fact, I suck so bad, it drives me absolutely nuts. Should I sleep with him? What questions should I ask? What is the right thing to say? Is kissing on the first day okay? Will I drive him away if I persist to have sex only after marriage? Will that hoax my chances?

I live so much in my head that I forget that I sort of have to also understand to live in the moment. All these questions make me draw up assumptions about people, and deep inside I know it's not fair to them that I do so. However, I think I have crossed my professional habits with my personal life. Reading someone is really what I do in my work, but in my life, reading people can have negative effects. I start putting words in people's mouths, writing them off, or even underestimate the kind of mind games they can play.

I don't suppose it's a matter of trust, or even dignity, but rather it's quite the opposite. I think I'm afraid to take the leap. True, that sometimes dating someone just means taking the leap of faith and going with the flow with things. However, I have my principles and they are strong. I think I should make up my mind inside before dictating terms on others. If I'm not clear what I want, it'll just drive people nuts because they'll be confused. It's no fair to them isn't it?

Things have become complicated, and it's really all my own doing because I wasn't clear in what I want. I have friends cautioning me, left-right-center and behind, to "protect myself", to not be "misled". However what does that actually mean? Everyone doesn't have a straightforward answer because they are also busy finding theirs. I suppose I can only learn from the mistakes of others, and myself. I am also stubborn and skeptical - pride perhaps - that I know what I want. Yet, my best friend says what I want is not what I need, and there is a reason for him saying that. Having said, I'm not 100% certain if he is right, or that one day I'll turn around and admit amongst a heartbreak tear that he was. I am not sure, and since this is a path I have to take, it is mine to walk and it learn.

I trust that we're hardy creatures, and can survive through life's toughest journeys. I have survived through so much worse, a lost of a mother, the only one person who will ever love me unconditionally. What more is there, if I don't have courage to take that leap of faith? It's not that I don't believe in the whole love needs courage big idea, it's that I don't know how to ask the right questions...for instance, how do you ask about the other party's ex, or why things don't work out etc. I don't know what is the right things to say in reply, I don't know how to be sweet in my smses, or know how to "keep" a guy. I think there are some things that I really need to learn. I hope I learn in time =(