Recently things have gotten worse, it has come to a point that now, even work cannot distract.

I tried to tell my closest friends how I feel and there are times even they feel emotional fatigue. It's already terrible enough, one's burden, it's a challenge to carry another's. When does the obligation start and end? Who knows?

It's worse when seemingly the people whom you thought could be relied on are not there, they listen, they sympathize, but yet it's not sympathy I seek. I want to release this grief I'm feeling, this self-pity, and yet they were not the places to do so.

Last night I cried so hard, there were no tears. I cried so hard my head hurt and I hardly breathed.

The happiness I feel always comes with conditions, and caveats. If I feel, there's nothing but emptiness, grief and profound sadness. If I'm happy, I will have to be prepared to be disappointed, heartbroken or just brace myself for a tragedy.

People don't like unhappy people, because they don't want to feel unhappy. Who does? Yet if all you know is sadness, who will know and be willing to understand why? No one, but yourself. No one bothers because they don't want to be dragged into the quicksand too, for fear of their sanity and their precious precious sliver of joy they have in their lives.

I guess that's why they say rest in peace. For it is only resting in eternity you stop feeling, and when you stop feeling you are dead. I feel alive but am in pain, would the alternative be more seductive? After all, no one is irreplaceable, no one is significant enough that the world cannot do without. There will always be others anyway...