Claud

An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart.

She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art.

For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up,

in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.

I was listening to Christian Kane (a country singer, actor in the show leverage), and in one his live sessions, he talked about how "A different kind of white knight" is an expression of his heartbreak. He feels that he can't seem to hold on to someone for long and they often leave. Yet if you look at Kane, he is quite the perfect guy - a singer, actor, song-writer, good looking and he can cook well too.

Yet he is such damaged goods and the kind of emotional baggage becomes the luxury to our ears. It's very typical of the emotional artist producing beautiful heart-touching songs isn't it?

I can't help but feel that Kane is so perfect and then not. He is still searching for someone to love, and for someone to love him. It mirrors to my personal experience I suppose, people often envy that I'm smart, somewhat pretty, can cook and clean. Often they say, "such a pity you don't have a boyfriend". And yet.

I don't feel melancholic anymore, as much as I feel that perhaps somethings are not measured by one's capability in matters. After all, love is blind isn't it and the most lazy and sloppy person can also be loved. Listening to Kane reminded me of my own inner struggles against what it means to be loved. The love of friends and family, is not the same as the love from him as much as it is different for your love towards a child.

Maybe you don't need to be perfect to be loved, but you need to love to be perfect. Then I am not perfect at all. Am I asking too much from too little? Is it too much to want something that others already know for a long time?

We don't always know why we feel the way we do, but when we do - goddamn it hurts. It's starting to hurt so much to the point that it's just easier not to feel anything at all.