Claud

An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart.

She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art.

For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up,

in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.

Every time I'm feeling troubled, I write. I guess writing has always been a way of talking and making sense of how I'm feeling - rationalising it.

Lately, I'm at a loss for words. I don't quite know where to go, or what to do because it just seems that everything is very unsettling. I can take hardship, I can take pain. What I absolutely cannot stand: is uncertainty. Uncertainty keeps me up at night, keeps me distracted in lectures, and keeps away from people. I feel that there's a need to solve this problem before I can move on with my life. For so long now, I have been uncertain for so many things and I guess this is where I finally blew up.

Blame it on the hormones, or the astrological influence on my star sign, but I cried yesterday after welling up for a couple of days. I guess crying is really the only way I know how to let things out. Floodgates opened, and after emptying out my emotions, I felt emptier still.

I know I'm not very good company these few days and I feel that I'm keeping people away from me because of it. I want to be happy again, I want to be myself. Yet I cannot because circumstances are holding me back and uncertainty of whether I'm making the right decision weighs heavily on my mind.

A friend once told me that whatever decisions we make, the decision will make us. So it's not a matter of choosing wisely, although that of course is important, but he said that choosing 'wisely' only has its limits because we only know so much then. The issue here is then to cope with our choice and learn to choose better in the future.

I feel that my life has only just begun unfolding and the last 22 years of my life was lived in a relative dream. At this moment of limbo, moving forward, you are now responsible for the choices you make. The repercussions of our choices therefore make us in the future.

I want to be happy, and the choice I make therefore was always a simple one - to make me happy. So when something ceases to make me happy, but instead brings anxiety and doubt, the rational self-loving thing to do is to move away from the cist of these negative feelings.

I don't need to make a decision now. But ultimately, a decision has to be made. In the mean time, hormones, the month - whatever.