Claud

An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart.

She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art.

For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up,

in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.

Today I had a really long chat. From afternoon all the way till, 2am?

I feel that there's very little time in the future for long chats like these. I'm glad for such conversations, and spending quality time over desserts and a good meal has always been a favourite way to pass time.

That day, I received a very strong affirmation from my professor about my abilities as a researcher, and I smsed those who rooted for me, and those who love me, to tell them about it. I was happy and disheartened. I'm happy because they share my joy and congratulated whole-heartedly. I am also happy because I've made them proud of me, that I didn't let them down. The disheartened side came because one person who mattered a lot to me, didn't reply, and I know why. However, I always ask myself - will I ever be THAT busy to the point, that I can't even type a reply to share a friend's joy?

I mentally shrug and thought that it was no big deal. After all, someone else may not always be in the same mood as I am - happy and elated - and the person I knew, is going through a rough patch as well. Yet, emotionally, it troubles me and it makes me very disappointed. Maybe I am asking too much of my friends.

Besides this incident, I'm glad that my friends are there for me when I need them. I also count myself lucky that I can turn to reliable individuals to hear me out and give me honest feedback when I need it. I am incredibly fortunate to have friends who can take the best and worst of me, and yet still love me for who I am.

I'm more afraid of them leaving me, than I am of leaving them. Perhaps that's why I express in the Lonely Hearts Club sessions (part I and II) that every time a friend got attached, a small part of me feels like dying.  Like the case of the non-reply above, it feels like I'm being left out of their circle because someone has stepped in, and there's just no more room in their lives anymore.

To be honest, it's a one-off thing, but it just sparked a train of thought and highlighted my insecurities about the future. I know that friend still cares a lot and will definitely be guilty for not replying. My point is not to highlight the failures of not replying, but rather to point out my inner fears and insecurities about friendships and relationships. Conversations like these (remembering that I think aloud) solidifies my thoughts and make them certain.

At least now, there's a base on which a better and hopefully brighter journey can begin =)