Claud

An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart.

She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art.

For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up,

in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.

I know today's Valentine's day, and it's supposed to be happy. If you're really cheery and don't want any tarnish to those moods, it's best you turn away right now.

This post is for those who are single, depressed, not in a good relationship, and just generally having a not-so-Valentiney-outlook in life.

I blame my mood on Adorno - he is one depressing theorist to read and his writings have been dubbed "melancholy science".

I am not going to write about how the singles feel awkwardly left out on Vday, or that we see couples everywhere. Because that's quite petty. I will however, be even more so bitter.

To be honest, I'm quite tired of saying the words, "I'm really happy for you (that he gave you that flower or asked you to be his gf/bf or he's just generally being sweet)." Why? Because firstly, it's a wrong choice of words. I'm not happy - in fact, I'm downright envious that I'm not getting any. Secondly, while I do see the joy bursting from my friends' faces, I simply cannot empathise with their feelings. Am I bordering on psychopathy already? I hope not.

What I generally mean, is that I feel their happiness and want a bit in "on the action". Sitting on the sidelines is tough, it feels like you don't belong or that you're just not included in on this one. To add salt to the wound, we have to pretend that we understand your joy altruistically. It's a bitter thing, and Vday makes us even MORE sad that everyone seems to be happy while we're just - not having any.

It's definitely a joyful occasion and I've never seen any other day as dedicated to affection/love/passion as much and it should be celebrated. So knowing this, why bitter?

Because I'm also human. I believe my thoughts are shared by many. They want to be nice people and not acknowledge these feelings [Tarrant: I don't give a shit]. It doesn't mean that those feelings are not there. I guess being nice should be done both ways. As one revels in the love and affections showered upon you, why not reach out and hand your lonesome friend a stalk from the bouquet you received? That will certainly make their day and after all, what is happiness if not shared?

Reflection however, does resolve some of this illwill. Admitting these feelings also means that I can confront them. It's not about what we say on the outside, but also how we feel on the inside doesn't it? It always feels very uncomfortable when we air dirty laundry. Yet it must be done [Tarrant: No, no you don't need to!]. I suppose that being "happy for someone" is being in the moment with that person. One person must play the audience and after wards, the situation demands an applause. I am also sincerely happy for people who have finally found happiness after a long and hard struggle - because it just gives me hope that there's still some positivity in the world.

But as for me, I cannot empathise because I've yet to experience that kind of exhilaration that comes with being with the person you love romantically. So have a care for my heart as well please?