Claud

An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart.

She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art.

For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up,

in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend, and it just suddenly struck me as he was speaking, that all along, I had the assumption that I knew what life was all about. Studying in an institution and having access to knowledge, that not many have regarding social life, has made me arrogant. A slightly more naive version of me a couple of years ago would have thought that what I studied, held the answers to life, and that the professors lecturing in front had better grips with their lives than I.

Perhaps, I've had it all backwards. After all, all research is historic and by means of objectifying-classifying-explaning-evaluating, is linearly retrospective. But life is lived forwards and no amount of research, no matter how well-informed, can tell you the future. It is quite a simple fact - something that I know in my head, but am not convinced in my heart. We all want certainty about the future - but having certainty also means you have less freedom and having more freedom, means you have to deal with uncertain outcomes of your decisions.

These feelings have been overwhelming lately because I feel that I'm standing at the crossroads of life. Graduation for many represents certainty and surety of what they want to do later. After all, half of my class is bonded to MOE to be teachers. Their paths are clear and laid out for them. I sort of envy them from time to time, that they know where they'll be going after graduation.

I finally understand what people mean when they say, "aiyah, you study so much after you graduate also no use one lah". It's true that such studies are never going to be directly applicable. However, theories you read sometimes 'click' and make sense to our own life experiences. They provide valuable insights in how we should have lived our lives. They guide our future actions and how we see the world. And as they said, how you see, changes how you act and inevitably if enough people do it, they can change how things work in the world.

Yet, personal lives remain very much personal. Those that meld their personal and public lives do sometimes alienate those close to them - because they belong to everyone, they are exclusive to no one. Most studies I've read address society as a whole, and even if they meant for it to be individually practiced, it was always meant for everyone. In a sense, personal problems, despite its recurring patterns - are felt personally. And we don't have a textbook or journal article about that. I suppose that's why biographies sell so well because we are always looking for something to connect with and biographies [Tarrant: or blog] seem to be the surest way.

I have put aside my pride and finally said yesterday, that I'm personally inept. When it comes to my personal life, sometimes I have no clue what I am doing - this is especially true when it comes to matters of the heart. The methods have always beens straightforward and honest, because I thought that was what counts. I'm just glad, that there are enough people who share the same views to keep me buoyantly stubborn in my views. Life is to be lived, shared and discussed. So come, will thee hold discourse with me? =)