Claud

An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart.

She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art.

For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up,

in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.

December 2011 was quite an emotional month filled with embarrassment, upswings and downturns. I was quite relieved to get my thesis out of the way before I travelled to KL and the preparation of the trip itself, was something of an emotional whirlwind as well. It's not easy playing the middle person and since I value honesty - lying so as to protect other people's interests has always made me feel guilty.

2011 has been filled with obligations and giving in to others and doing things I don't really want. January to March was filled with babysitting and indulging in other people's whims that I become too giving to the point that it was just time to say goodbye. April to June was filled with compromises and uneasy relationships. June to August felt that I had to be "nice" and accommodating. Alas, September to November was just a semester of fucked-up modules and again, taking on too many jobs that are way beyond what I thought I can handle.

BUT! I'm glad to get my 2011 away and done with, so that I can greet 2012 with more fervour and gusto!

For 2012, I promise to treat myself better and to not fall in love so soon (the latter being a more difficult task than the former).

Treating myself better would be to give myself more time alone to do the things I want to do - like play the piano, read the books I want to read, and just basically live a more balanced life. I also want to forgive myself more - that I'm human and fallible. 2012 will be a year of less blame, less guilt and simply, just a little more orientation towards the self.

Not fall in love so soon. I guess that issue is deep-seated because I want someone I can count on. The past years just made me feel that loved ones leave you and family betray - I guess I want to hang on to the hope that there will be someone out there for me to lean on. However, this year, I'll just hold back a little, even if it's just something trivial. Because I've been hurt too many times before, that sometimes it's not worth it anymore.

So…2012 might be a year of changes. I might be doing my masters, or apply for Chevening scholarship to go overseas to do masters. Or I might even just simply choose to work and not further my studies. It's all very unsettled. This graduation year is something my family and I have been looking forward to. I do wish that it turns out for the best. =)

The first few days of 2012 already turned out to be unexpectedly pleasurable - let's hope it stays that way.