Claud

An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart.

She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art.

For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up,

in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.

I've been crying a lot these few days. From posting on facebook that I'm happy, to sad, to being at a relatively at peace, and then now…feeling the sadness rumbling inside me again.

There are a few confessions that I want to make for myself. So if you find yourself judging, please, just ask yourself this question: What would you have done if you were in my position?

When my mum went down with stroke and my relatives decided that it was a good idea to betray my family, you might think that I have lost confidence in relationships. On the contrary, I have seen the charity that people do, and the warmth of their compassion and sympathies bring, that it rearranged my priorities - my mum's life taught me how to live, and that giving good to people meant that when you're in need, people will come back to help you in return.

So I reoriented my life towards devoting more time, spending more time with people I care about. I also decided to take my work in university more seriously, so that I can support my family in the future, especially when the funds run out and my mum still needs that medical care.

Then it started to dawn on me, how important a family is - and what the elders meant by saying that starting a family is so very important. I started to feel the urgency to start a family on my own too…and then over the times when my mum is not there when I wanted to share with her something happy, or rant to her when I'm feeling said, or just tell her about my day. I transferred that yearning for someone I wished would be there for me - and I look at my happily attached friends and wanted to be happy like them as well.

Then it just became a spiral of searching, and realising that it didn't work out, taking the blame on yourself that you're not good enough and then doubting one's self-worth. I guess this time, I have had enough of this spiral and I decided to get to the root of the problem.

It all starts with me.

I realised I don't want a relationship because I want to be with the people I liked, as much as I enjoyed hanging out with them. It's not that I'm also using them for my own selfish devious purposes, because I truly believed that at that time, I truly liked them. It's just that I've looked to them to mend a hole in my heart that my mum has since left, a hole that no one can replace and no one ever will. So what is left? I don't have all the answers, but at least now that I admitted to this "problem", at least I can work on it right? Perhaps I should start by telling myself that my mum has always loved me, and will never stop loving me. By her not being present, doesn't mean that she's a presence. I'm also a child who's had felt love from others before, and this is not going to stop just because my mum can no longer walk with me.  Some might not be so lucky.

I deserve to be loved and have always been - by my friends and family, who never fail to come to my side when I need them most. So why should I doubt my self worth when I have so much to be thankful for? While I feel lonely at times, I am never alone because I can always have someone to rely on. I must believe that I'm a good enough person to be loved, and that I have helped them as much as they have helped me, such that I have already earned their love and respect. I don't need to doubt whether people care about me anymore because I'm already secure in their hearts.

You know what? I'm not ready to say this, but maybe I don't need a partner now, since my friends and family have more than make up the gaping hole that my mum left. It'll never be perfect, but at least I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm just going to do what I need to do for the next few months until I graduate. And then after that, who knows?

I am not a leftover on the back shelf, and neither am I someone who doesn't deserve better. Somewhere along the road, I have lost my confidence and self-worth to the many who have made me felt worse about myself. It's time to reclaim it back and I will not settle for someone who makes me feel worse than I started with. I am a very outspoken and passionate person, which means I fall easily for people which also means I tend to get my heart broken quite a lot of times during the course of this journey. This is who I am, and it doesn't mean that when I cry, I am weak. It doesn't mean that when I'm rejected, I am not wanted - it just means that I have been strong for too long and that you're not the right person for me.

We all want to feel loved, but not many of us want to start the loving. It's often the person who starts loving gets hurt the most because it takes courage and self-sacrifice to take that leap of faith. Since I'm a loving person, I get hurt plenty. That doesn't make me a loser, contrary, I know I have strength which is why I have love to give and offer…and what's so good about strength is because I can walk with my head held up high and know that I can weather what life throws at me. Life may be uncertain, but what I am certain is that I can handle it. Don't take people's affections for granted - because ultimately if you do, and when they are gone, you'll realise that nothing in this world can replace what they have given you.