Claud

An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart.

She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art.

For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up,

in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.

I know I haven't been writing for a long time, and if you look a couple of posts back, the "To-Do" list has finally gotten shorter. Now, reading week is almost over and exams are here, the time for reflexive contemplation seems paradoxically longer.

I guess it's because you get to spend more time with yourself, when you're studying and thoughts drift through in and out - sometimes it just makes you think what's the point in all this.

In the past, I was so sure about doing Masters, and doing it in Geography. Recently, I'm not so sure anymore. I guess I still have a passion for research - about finding links and reasons, looking for pattern and new information. What changed is perhaps in the area of research I want to engage in. I got rejected from a professor because she felt that I wasn't ready. That was a rather rude wake-up call that perhaps I should take a step back and see where I am truly going.

My personal weakness is having a tunnel vision. That fact probably can't be changed because it makes me a very focused and determined individual. However what can be improved, is perhaps to consider the possibilities that I need to start to realise that this rabbit hole I'm going down, isn't the only one.

Frankly, it distresses me when my life changes course. I personally feel very unsettled and it makes my emotions swing. However, it also helps me take another perspective at what I'm doing and re-caliberate my course so that my life heads toward a direction - any direction. So…I have decided to also apply to do a graduate diploma/Masters in art history at Goldsmith's College and see who will fund my studies there. I've always been interested in art history because that is the physical manifestation of culture itself. I don't know why, but the story and romance behind the pieces attract me to them. Each and every single piece speaks to me because they iconify something MORE (our hopes, dreams, ideology) - they have a life in and of itself.

If I never did get that rejection, I would never have opened this door. Even if this doesn't work out, at least I've tried and I'll be more than willing try new things again.

That's youth isn't it? Finding what fits and what doesn't.

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I don't know if you'll ever read this. I want to let you know that I'm feeling insecure, because I feel that you're too good for me. I'm always second-guessing myself, whether I'm irritating you, making you peeved, that my actions are pushing you away, or whether you felt too much pressure (of which there was no intent behind it, I truly enjoy hanging out with you). Being a very direct honest person, there is so much I don't know, and uncertainty scares me. But recently, I am starting to learn that uncertainty just means possibilities - so I am having faith, however faint, that you didn't take it the wrong way.


I acknowledged and gave in to my (unexplained) affections; I know you might not feel the same. Yet the realisation is that I'll learn something from this experience and walk into another door more confident and more mature. You have already taught me so much about myself than you ever realised and I look forward to learning more =)