CLAUD

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Time alone

I need some time alone. To write, to compose, to do whatever that I can do with my laptop (sans internet) and a book.

I think staying at home for extended periods of time is good for recuperating. But some times, I just want to be out of the house and away from facebook. I need to get through some issues, and hopefully be able to write my way of out this pathetic hole before terms starts.

I have been feeling a lot of inertia over some things, my piano playing - I want to get better at it, but somehow never having the will or effort to go practice. I want to write a book and be re-acquainted for my love for writing fiction - but sometimes there are just too many demands of my time that I never get to do them. I want to try out all the recipes of cupcakes in the new book I bought - but somehow, the ingredients always seemed unavailable or too expensive to buy. I want to get to read the books I want to read - but it always seems pretentious or other 'better' things always seem to come out.

This is a time to re-orientate my life some what - because there is too narrow a gap between what I'm doing, and what I'm living. Some people bring their jobs back home with them, but what if your job is at home? Do you have any time or space to live out your life? Prof Gana said that research starts from one's biography and reflexivity articles tell me that one can never divorce one's life from theories learnt and created because those theories are about life.

I feel like I'm turning into this serious, strait-laced blabber know-it-all that cannot divorce her studies from the lived Life. With such a perculiar occupation - when what you're studying is indeed what is the living, how do you detach yourself and kick it lose from time to time?

Perhaps, I feel I still have something to prove, although there isn't always a need to. Like there isn't a need to always show that you're better - in fact sometimes trying itself is an act of failure. There also, is a time when not everything is a competition. So what if someone else has more replies on FB and Twitter than me? It doesn't necessarily mean that my friends love them more than me.

Insecurity sucks.

Because the question of "what if they DO love them more than me?"….then again, I should take my own advice: Let's just wait and see what happens. In the mean time, it might be too late to do anything about it.

Too many thoughts swirling in my head and it's knocking knocking knocking. So yes, Thursday. I need to get some things sorted.

19:57