CLAUD

Sunday, June 05, 2011

Thoughts about London

There are times when we meet with life's transitions: Getting your IC, learning how to drive, getting your first boyfriend, your first heartbreak, your first job, your first car (if we're fortunate), your first house and then, perhaps your first child.

These big transitions mark distinct points in our lives, that makes us feel a little more grown up, a little more mature and slightly more responsible.

However, it's the little things that bring us a little more towards independence, that reminds us that we're nearly 'of age'. For me, that's flying alone.

I've been to Qabir's house earlier this year, taking a coach alone to KL and back. I remember double-checking everything, making sure I didn't miss out my passport, my money, my moisturiser and my books. The little sense of anticipation before the trip is now nothing, compared to this.

21+1 days will be the longest I have been away from home without my parents. This London trip has proved to be as daunting, as it is exciting. Flying alone for more than 12hours over to continental Europe and the British Isles is something that is figurative: 翅膀硬了，会飞了。

From the whole fiasco about going to London's Imperial College, getting funds and unsuccessfully obtaining them - only to go NUS to learn the reasons and conditions of my misadventure. We don't always know the full picture until we're in the future, which is why we also cannot retrospectively justify or deny our actions because the light of those circumstances will only present themselves in the future. We only make decisions based on the conditions we know of TODAY, and learn in the FUTURE to see how we might have acted differently - and hopefully carry those lessons forward in our actions.

This London trip has persevered for 3/4 years, and I'm glad and fortunate to have Shangyi studying there, for her friendship to host me as well as planning the logistics for our little trip around Europe.

Opportunities will present themselves once we are open to them. I'll no longer wallow like I did when I realised I didn't have enough to go London. As much as the future is important to me, I cannot sacrifice present happiness to such a large extent that it substantially changes who I am at the core.

I have learnt, quite the hard way, that some things change, and change rapidly. Like my mum - some situations are not reversible. I wished I spent less time wallowing in self-pity, and thanked her instead for supporting my dreams, although reality hit us both hard.

This summer to London, presents itself as a closing chapter to my life, that from here, I ought to look forward to new dreams and new hopes. A taste of London will suffice to bring closure to this tragic chapter of my life and hopefully, with the sad beginning of this chapter can have a wonderful and memorable ending. I sincerely looking forward to celebrating Shangyi's birthday with her (been ages since I've done that), I sincerely look forward to travelling - to sleep on couches and mats. I look forward to the obscene amount of money I'll be spending. I look forward to all those pictures I'm going to take.

"Claud, everything's going to be ok….be strong." Words I'll never forget: Thanks Nat.

When I fly on 27th June, 11:00pm, I will fly with a sense of peace and with a touch of melodrama, fly towards a brighter vision.

21:23