CLAUD

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Still in the shadows.

It would have been overly-dramatic to say that yesterday was my 'pit-bottom' because it wasn't.

Kris said, "sometimes, it's ok to be selfish." and I am going to be selfish and say,

This morning, I woke up, and I don't feel any better than I did last night.

The thought about this problem revisiting itself again and again, did latch on, and I am sick of being this bitter and self-hating on occasion. It isn't that simple as willing the problem away, although that has helped me move on during times of preoccupation where wallowing was not an option.

I won't say that everything is okay, when it obviously isn't. I don't want to feel compelled to report that I'm ok to my friends just so that they won't worry too much about me. I should be able to have a time and space to wallow and rant. I'll just do it more responsibly and try to get out of everyone's hair while I'm doing it.

So tomorrow will be just a day for me. I'll go read a book, listen to music that I want to listen and just eat whatever I feel like eating.

There are issues I have with people, that needs to be addressed. There are issues I have with myself, that needs to be addressed. Sometimes it's not your problem, but it's up to you to solve it anyway.

The reason I'm feeling so lousy, is because I have short-changed myself of my opinions of others somehow. I feel that I am judged all the time, but not having an inch of space for me to also judge others. I try to keep that out of the way for the sake of making myself feel better. But problem is, those issues do bother me, I just bury them and let them fester because I know ultimately, telling them would just make them not like me. But then, people say true friends are able to take your words in stride. They'll end up feeling shit like I did, and as a friend, how can I put them through what I feel now?

No one likes a reality check. No one likes to listen to truths when it inconveniences them.

The hypocrisy of life.

I have been giving people too many 'truths' for now and many times, inconvenient ones that reflect a bit of their weakness they don't want to show to others. When it comes to facades, no one want to know what foundations are holding it up.

So to be likeable, to be less abrasive, is to create fantasies that support egos.

The thing is, doing such a thing makes me unhappy. Such is the dilemma. On one hand, you cannot be yourself, and on the other, being yourself just makes people not like you.

I am not okay. Despite that, I believe this dilemma can be transcended. When faced with a paradox, we need a paradigmic shift - a different way of looking at things such that the 2 paradoxes resolve.

I just haven't had the heart to find one yet.

19:14