CLAUD

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Shadows

I want to blog about how insecure I feel today.

I want to blog about how much I hate myself today.

I want to blog and thank my friends for their concern (thank you!).

I want to blog about how I hate about being smart, intellectual but is an absolute failure when it comes to affairs of the heart.

I want to blog about how bitter and cynical I feel about people - their hypocrisy, their lies and the double-standards they set for themselves and everyone else.

I want to blog about how vulnerable I feel right now, and that I'm not a strong and self-confident person all the time.

I want to write about the "little voices" in my head that tell me I'm not good enough, and that I should just abolish all hope of ever finding happiness or being worthy of any form of goodness.

I want to elaborate on how sometimes, when it's so painful, I just cry in trains.

I want to blame my mum for being so strict with my upbringing and for raising me to be this 'perfect daughter' when all I ever want is to have fun.

I want to explode and scream at that stupid woman who talked too loudly on the phone in the bus this afternoon.

I want to tell people that I know you're talking behind my back, and that you're obviously judging me although you claim that you aren't. I want to tell those people to fuck off.

I want to say that I can't help to be subconsciously critical, and to be a smart-ass and that I like sharing knowledge - and that I won't apologise if you thought that I was just being a know-it-all. I AM a know-it-all. Why discriminate people who just enjoy reading and learning? That's what I do. If you like K-pop, J-pop and can freely talk about it in public with people, why can't I share theories of feminism, Marxism and architecture? Why must triviality be the norm?

I want to be angry, and frustrated and wallow in my self-hate and pity. Because right now, that's the only thing that feels real and genuine.

I want to write all the things above, and will probably take ages. But pain and anger is quick, burning through to leave only sadness, as ashes. I wanted to write about how this revisits me all the time, and I want to put an end to it.

But I can't because I do not how. It's like a shadow: when you're in light and happiness, it will also fester and form darkness. Some may argue that you'll appreciate the happiness you have, when you realise how far from the darkness you've come. The cynic in me argues that the darkness is always there, the shadow came before the light. Darkness came before the light.

21:39