CLAUD

Monday, June 20, 2011

Empty Nest

Lately, the government is putting a lot of emphasis on family bonding and ties. Like the latest is the "Active Fatherhood" campaign, the first thought that came to my mind was - which father, except the occasional sperm donor, is not an 'active' father?

They provide material wants for their children, provide advice and look over the house repairs, sometimes discipline the children etc. etc. etc.

So, which part of Active, is missing?

The news article also mentioned something about children-father bonding. Is this absolutely necessary? Is there a need for a child and parent to be all good friends and 'supportive' of each other? Parents are called parents, and not friends, for a good reason.

In any case, this afternoon has been pretty interesting, because talking to Shangyi's mum about retirement and elderly-hood, makes me think about my own dad.

These few days, my father has been out of the house quite aplenty, this Sunday he said he's going to go to a play. Yes, my father, never liked plays and arts of any kind (except the Beatles) and he's socialising more. I always knew he had friends of sorts, but after my mum's been hospitalised, and the absence of a Sunday family lunch, my dad has been eating more with his friends and spending more time with them. It now seems that I'm the one left with the empty nest and he's the bird that's flying away.

So much for parent-support. It seems that I'm the one that misses my dad, rather than the other way round. As a result, it makes me wonder if after I grow up, would my father really want me to be around his social life. Living with someone, there's an unspoken rule that you have to inform each other of your whereabouts and sometimes, family members do judge or frown when you keep late hours. I can forsee myself making a fuss when my father stay out late with his friends, or go holiday in a week's notice etc. There's a role-reversal of sorts and he has to now 'report' to me.

I don't want that - because I personally feel it's very disabling. It's as if to imply that our aged parents cannot care for themselves and look after their own needs, cannot make their own choices.

They are not children. After all, they have much more life's experience and know much better than us. So sometimes living away from home, can be an enabling factor for our aged parents - they are free to socialise and be active, instead of staying home all the time to just greet us at the door, or be 'free' domestic helpers. After working for all their lives, they deserve to do what they want to do with THEIR golden years. Our parents have given up their life's choices to care of us, and I think it's time for us to also give up our choices for them and respect theirs.

It's not necessarily a sign of an unfilial child. Personally, being unfilial is not being there when your parents need you most. It's the same for any relationship.

Which is why I am skeptical about this over-emphasis on family bonding. We must remember, that not all families are typical, and not all families share the same 'bonding' that one experiences in our own lives. Families are as varied as the colours on an artists palette and different stages of our lives, they also have different dynamics and gradations of showing care. Like mine, they are out of sight and out of mind most of the time, but when you need them, they will put down everything to be there for you. We don't necessarily have to play soccer together, or have pretentious lunches. It's all about sincerity.

I'm ok with my father not wanting me back at home in the future - although I would very much prefer to. However, there are bigger things than just having my own peace of mind. There are bigger things like mutual respect, and understanding for each other's needs.

18:17