CLAUD

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Severe Doubt

I'm doubting about life - which I don't because I think everything is just one big random coincidence.

I scare myself because since it's one big coincidence, and I'm a pile of carbon atoms held together by gravity (literally), then what purpose to put yourself through all this trouble?

Durkheim's words resonate in my head:

Since the love of life is deeply rooted, one must have endured much suffering to end it

It's not that I am unhappy or need meaning, I already have it - there is so much to live for. However, I'm considering - perhaps since suffering will never end, then why does one continue to choose to live in suffering? Why did man have laws and norms to prevent suicide?

What is so wrong about suicide?

It's like opening a wrong door, walking through it, and then walking back out again isn't it? Why shouldn't one choose to revert to carbon atoms when we choose to?

Perhaps that is the plague of being secular. You rationalise life, and perhaps find that at the end of it, you have no destination at the end of the road so you ask yourself why bother to start on this journey in the first place?

HAHA....perhaps I would have envy those who have a destination in life - heaven, hell, reincarnation or otherwise.

However, it is not the answers that matter. The answers are not the ones that we already 'know' in our hearts. Perception and ideas are shaped somewhat through the process of socialisation - I would go so far to say that ideas are never original. They originate from somewhere.

Maybe we have been influenced by the assumption that everything has an end. Consider for a moment, that there is perpetuity in life? That perhaps by dying, you are not dead. Being a walking eating body who is non-participatory is as dead as influential people whose names live on forever.

Perhaps the 'dead' know? If living is about consciousness, being ALIVE - then I think the consciousness of the dead are everywhere. Hitler will be alive as long as people talk about him. What compels an individual not forget about a person? I'm sure we are personally attracted to a certain idea, person or object. Maybe the person's consciousness never leaves the things they create? For instance, I walk by Hello Kitty and my mum pops up and the memories of our friendly banter on how cute (or disgusting) a cat with no mouth is. Her ideas are burnt in my heart, so are her misdeeds.

Just to stretch it into the realm of the mystical - what if by remembering through the various ways, we keep this consciousness alive and in a sense, keep this person alive?

I am not talking about a soul - because I think the soul has been defined too diversely in discussion. Furthermore, a soul seems to connote a single entity, something that is whole. Consciousness is the essence of a person's character, persona, knowledege and ideas that makes a person who he/she is and allows him/her to carry on interacting with other consciousness i.e. the thoughts and actions of other people.

Referring to this definition, isn't it also the key of being alive?

How many times when we do things (at least for me), we do it on various stages of consciousness - which depends on whether we are tired or energetic, happy or depressed? Our consciousness change once we know something new that affects our 'outlook' in life. Or perhaps you are affected by another person whom you love (not just romantically). As such, our work is the manifestation of that consciousness; the quality, the things we say, how we say and do it The end product of our interactions.

So in a sense, you can still reach out beyond your grave as long as you are still able to interact with people and engage people in discussion over ideas etc. "Was his deeds moral?", "Her contribution has affected us even till today....", "His ideas changed how we see the world" or simply, "He was a scumbag, thank god he's dead."

What if by dying, you live forevermore? What if after you die, your consciousness precedes you - then would suicide still be something that is prohibited? Would there be null purposes in dying? Can death be considered more meaningful?

We have to confront these questions one day when our physical time is 'up'. Meanwhile, try to Live - to make a difference in people's lives, to imprint a consciousness in this fabric of life so that when death comes, perhaps in little ways one can still continue to be with the people you love through objects, memories and ideas to make their life a little less difficult perhaps?

When I choose to exit the 'room' because I realised it was a mistake, I don't want to be criminal because of it.

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I don't necessarily see that life must have a purpose. However, one can say that the purpose of life is to find one - through your own individual means. I am a strong believer in happiness and this discussion is perhaps to highlight the assumptions about death - that it is negative and it should be avoided at all costs.

Maybe a person is happy living, but cannot do so because there is no perceived possibility of happiness in the future? Then only by dying, can one be free from unhappiness?

In any case, while I'm alive, I'm trying to also make my life more livable. One can say that my stand is to make dying meaningful so that in turn, one can make living everlasting. Of course, the assumption is that living is better than death. This is not the case. Which is why I don't object to voluntary death.

We never own our lives. Our lives, minds and bodies is always owed to someone else. For instance, what will happen to your parents when they die? Who will take care of them - assuming you believe in that moral duty.

I'm still conflicted about this matter - perhaps I will forever be conflicted. However, not all answers are answers. Not all answers are required to resolve a question. Questions may lead you to the answers. Answers may drive more questions...so as long as we ask and question our current state of being and assumptions - we are already taking an active step in resolving some fundamental issues about our being.

18:44