CLAUD

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Causal

I believe that positive thinking bring positive people and likewise the opposite.

So I'm feeling in this case, I'm no happier by making them unhappy and I'm not unhappier by making them suffer.

I thought that by making them suffer, i'll be happier. But the fact is, it's very sad to see family go down the pipe while you stand up there with a smug look on your face.

It's never a matter about revenge. It was a matter of justice. All I have wanted to do was to sought a sense of peace and knowledge that they will leave us alone. But time and again, their acts get more and more desperate - and every time they strain my tolerance till the break point. Thank god i'm not a a chalk that snaps, but a wooden board that gives way. But there will be a breaking point for all...i just don't know when.

In any case, there are many incidences - too many to count - within this last few months that were "mistakes" due to our trust in them. Way long before, like the 3 week since my mum entered the hospital, my aunt asked if my mum gave me the PIN to my mum's bank account stating that they are concerned about my access to cash and all. In any case, i told her that my mum gave me her PIN for this very purpose. Now looking back, I realised that that information was abused and misused - for blocking our access to my mum's account. Legally, they are right. However, as family, it's beyond unethical.

I still contemplate if i should come down hard on them. Funny that i should ask this question right? Given how difficult they make my family's life is, i should let them go.

I find that sometimes, happiness is more important. It matters more to me that my dad and i can let things go and search our own happiness. If taking them down will do that - by scaring them away and/or locking them in jail - then i'll gladly pursue that. However, if there is an alternative to deal with them so that they can leave us alone, then i'll take that option. I don't want feathers to ruffle and have a long unending lawsuit. It's going to be draining.

I rather look forward to the future and smile at my prospects, than look back and see how much pain they are putting my family through.

Retribution and revenge won't make me happier than before, it'll make me more vindictive and selfish - like the people i am opposing now. They are afterall, my mother's siblings. While they do not choose to see us as my mum's child and husband, i can CHOOSE to be better than them. They represent the my mum's past, my dad and i represent her future (or a future that could have been). In any case, my mother would have wanted me to let her past go and not be sucked into the never ending feud.

For all our sakes, we need to give and let live. This is not weak. This is merely wanting to be happier again. I want to look forward. The only way that i'll turn against them, is when they take the things that are important to me: my father and my dream.

If they take away my anchors in life, i don't know what i'll do next.

It's only fair that my dad and i deserve a better life. Afterall, that's what my mum would have wanted us to have.

I don't think these people truly know the extent of their damage. I want to show them, so as to stop them from hurting others and to leave my dad and i in peace.

That's all.

09:22