CLAUD

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Disjointed

I have mummy-withdrawal symptoms if u will....

When i was young, from the moment i can talk, i will tell my mother everything i experience. I'll tell her, "Mummy! Have you heard....what do you think...?" or i'll just randomly tell her what are the happenings of my day. But, now that she can't hear me, and the fact that it's inconvenient to talk to her, i have no choice but to tell other people.

BUT, they're just not your mother. Some respond warmly, some respond without a response to hint to you that this is all very irritating. The latter breaks my heart and the former makes me smile silly on the train. I'm just grateful that people who belong to the former makes me still feel rooted in this world.

That day shangyi and i were talking about her losing herself. Like she has "no personality" and she did not know who she is. I actually feel the same too and moments like these also remind me of what i'm going through and how important a listening ear is. I don't know if i did much, but i guess listening always helps right? Meanwhile, her mother then commented in her blog that, "not everyone u meet can be your friend."

Is that part of growing up? The continuous sorting and mixing of life. Knowing what you can do, who to look out for and what your goal is eventually.

Yes, i won't hide it but i feel kinda lonely these days. It's not as if i have no friends or slipping into depression. In fact it's NOT that at all. It's just that my NUS life is making me really upset at myself. Like shangyi said, she feels that she's not independent enough. I feel the same in NUS too. It's a a terrible hollow feeling. Like you're studying amongst people, but yet you feel so alone. Yet, I cannot study at home, nor yvonne and i have the same exam period. That's why i want a study buddy in NUS and even that is not working out. I have only myself to blame. So i've made a decision to go back to the people i trust and love. In that way, i won't feel out of place and disjointed.

If growing up is about giving up little things like doing stuff together or working hard to get past difficult times, then pity is the one that has to experience this. I've made and known friends now....and the only thing i've learnt from shangyi's mum, is that not everyone u meet, can be ur friend - can be someone u trust.

08:29