CLAUD

Friday, March 13, 2009

Talking much more

Today, my dad's bro came to the hospital to hear my side of the story. Chris was there too because we're supposed to go to the IT fair to get his phone and I'm going with him to get a laptop for my dad.

Anyway....we had a long talk with chris there as well and it was nice to know what there's still another adult who cares about what we say. I guess having 2 kids around my age helps. But that's besides the point.

I confirmed things today which i've suspected long ago (that people disapprove me of going overseas because they assume that i'll jump the gun and use the insurance money at once and leave nothing for my mum). It's good to tell my 2 bo about how my plans - that i'm still looking for sponsorship and going to on my own terms, as long as i'm going. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I also told him that i don't really care if they understand me or not because i've never asked that of them. They don't know me very well, they don't want to understand how i feel without judging, then i don't see the point of convincing me my point of view. This is because i've always meet alot of resistance whatever i say, like it's the most horrendous thing they ever heard because they're not listening.

My 2 bo has his points in saying that they're still my family and will continue to be until the day my mum passes away. I told him that family is not a right and it's not a name that one takes for granted. It is the meaning of family. Aunty Kuan and Yvonne are family to me. So's Nat, chris, xinyi, kris, van....the list goes on. He feels that it's still your own blood that matters and friends are just friends. When they get married, they move on etc. etc. I choose not to believe that until the time it happens. What's the point of thinking about it now? It'll only make me more depressed and push my friend further away. They're all i have now and so far, they are still there for me. Chris being in the conversation already proves that.

We drifted topics here and there and landed on the overseas study thingy. I told him my point of view and how i feel that this is an investment. My 2bo then told me how they felt that this is my mum's money and it should be used solely for her care etc. And i told him that "the use of the money is not a measure of one's own morals." meaning that the money is just an object and how i use it, why i use it is more important. He told me that frankly, both him and his wife felt that i was seflish at first, but after listening to my explanation, they see it in a different light. I felt relieved that finally, somone other than my mum, dad and close friends fully comprehend my motives.

I also told him that this is my family private affairs and i don't wish them to interfere. I told him to tell the uncle circus that. I also told my 2 bo that i am not sad or depressed because i choose to see what is ahead of me and what i still have - which is a strong support network i can count on in times of need. He said that he's more worried about me than my dad and now that he has talked to me, he feels at ease that i'm definitely very much ok. He can finally send his assurances to my dad. Chris even backed me up saying, "She's definitely ok, in fact, i'm more worried about her dad than she is because i know she is strong."

Yvonne, i'm not holding up a false front when it comes to what i believe in. When i know i cannot handle it anymore, i have you and my other great friends too....i'm not alone in this world.

It's really nice to have it all aired out and knowing that the message will be passed down somehow. In fact, it doesn't bother me at all whether they understand and accept the message because in my heart, my focus is not them anymore. I choose to focus on those who sincerely care about me and still love me for who i am.

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