CLAUD

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Resolution

The tarot card reading last year told me i'll learn something from this and i choose to see my life like this.

yvonne brought up an important question which i didn't consider at first and it was in the event that my mum has to be brought home, can i live with the regret if anything happens to my mum? Will i blame my father? and more importantly (to yvonne and friends), will i collapse if that happens?

I asked myself that question and knew in my heart that whatever that happens, i'll be able to handle it with the help of my friends. I can fall knowing that their cushions will be there to support me. But if i were to disagree and my father were to fall from the stress of it all, he won't have anyone but me supporting it.

So i called my dad and ask him whether he can live with the decision in the even that anything happens to my mum. He say he can as long as i am there supporting him. I also asked him why he's agreeing to this arrangement. He said that my mum would have wanted to come home for one last time before staying at the chronic sick hospital for god-knows-how-long. He said that maybe my mum wants to visit my home for the last time. Deep down, it rang true and i know if i were my mum, she would have wanted to come back to the place she worked so hard for.

How can i say no to that? In the midst of the ridiculous, i cannot deny the fact that in this arrangement, my mum will finally be at peace. My father also said that they'll maintain the condition my mum has as she were in the hospital and it's only going to be for 5 days.

So what am i going to do in the midst of all the uncontrollable mess? I'm just going to smile and look at the positive side of life. To focus on the good that can arise from this situation. My mum may suffer even more, but that's a risk i can live with. Because i'll still look back and think - i have done everything in that is allowed and once i make a decision, i won't regret it. I'll take the chance: if the chinese doc is useful or harmless, then he's just an accessory to this. If my he's harmful, then someone will be responsible. No, the person is not my dad. I'll make sure of this.

While saying that, i still have so much more to look forward to. Today yvonne said some stuff which is really sweet - like how the room next to hers is already considered mine, how her mum is prepared for me to stay as long as i want and they bought a new bed for me. Chris also said that he'll be here for me forever even if he's attached etc....and that dear xinyi who always worries over me....nat who always have a big part to play in my decisions and coming to a resolution on things, making me feel at peace...kris who never fail to say the right stuff to make me smile and ritty who's silently supporting me and never fails to pick up my call and weixiang who always waits for me to finish my story before commenting. Jingteng who always make me laugh during our conversations which make my day better and Cindy too, for helping me hand in my assignment....this list can go on forever....(no offence to the other wonderful friends i have...i'm just listing those that had contact with me today)

See? I have support from the most wonderful people. I have not lost everything. Remind me to slap myself if i ever say that again. HAHA.

Tomorrow my dad's bro is going to talk to me. He wants to ask me "personal questions" which i have no fears in answering. I am prepared because my conscience is clear. Ok, except the touchy part about imperial. Which, by gawd, is going to be the main topic.

22:15