CLAUD

Monday, February 09, 2009

resolution is not a resolve

The social worker came to visit my mum today and shortly after that, my father called her. She said that whilst my mum is ready for discharge, she will not be allowed to return home and will be placed in a the hospital while waiting for the nursing home to accept her. When she's there, they'll observe my mum for 6months to see her progress and if so, they'll move her again if the home can no longer accomodate her due to her improved condition.

This should bring much happiness at first...yet, it feels very empty and if not, more questions.

Make no mistake - i am happy that at least the debate of "nursing home" or "home" is settled. I'm just very empty about the uncertainty of it. I was expecting that my mum be in the nursing home for an extended period of time and not just 6 months. Keeping in mind that an improvements made would have bee made during the first week in hospital. If not, then the doctors told me that it's not likely that my mum will make any progress in the future.

It's this nagging feeling of "not settling down" that i don't like. Maybe i should look at things in a different way. Like taking things 1 step at a time.

How do i resolve this? I don't know how i'm supposed to feel and i don't know how to react to all of this. How do we break this news to my relatives (and gosh, i hope there won't be WWIII in the process)? I'm very confused and seriously, if i have a delete button, i would love to delete them out of this equation.

But then again, the rights of "sibling" give them privilege (stressing on the privilege) to be concerned.

I don't want you to tell me this shit that we can't have everything in life. I know that. It's just i really need support right now and it's kind of hard to let go of this insolence i have towards them. Relatives are supposed to be there when u need them, not cause more worry and stress. They're supposed to alleviate stress. But obviously, my relatives don't trust us to take care of our mum. That's the only explanation i have for their actions and words.

I'm tired of being tired and my dad and i just want to move on coping with my mum. I seriously have contempt for them, but i want to let this go. It has to stop somehow. I cannot habour this hate forever....i don't know when to stop.

That's my question: When do I stop hating them? What will be the occasion to stop? How can I start to forgive them when they're hurting me everytime.

I hate them, but it seems I am hating myself more for hating them.

I just want this hate to resolve. I want to make them feel bad for what they did, I don't know what else can replace this emotion. Displeasure? Indifference? They hurt me everytime, I just want to hurt them back. But i know doing so won't make me any different from them. I want to protect myself by biting back, but that's not helping my family. Someone, tell me how i can manage. Manipulate them behind their backs? But i'm an "out there" kind of person.

this is just making me go crazy...listen to how pathetic i sound: my relatives are getting into me. They're just relatives...sometimes they're nice, sometimes they're not. I cannot be afraid of them anymore. This has got to stop and breaking the news to them firmly will be the first step. I will do it - to hell with their responses. I have friends and my dad's family behind me. I fear no one.

Can you understand how I feel?

21:02