CLAUD

Friday, January 09, 2009

Get Out of my Sight

Ok....warning warning: this will be a long a bitchy post.

On tues night,my dad called my aunt to confirm that i will be talking to the doctor regarding the gingko tablets and the MRI scans. So that's the plan right?

so on wed morning, he went down to the hospital early at 8am and found out that he could ask the doc anything. So woke me with a totally rude phone call and asked me, "why did you tell the doc not to tell me anything? What are you trying to do huh? What are YOU TRYING TO DO?!?!?!!?!"

yes....he yelled into my phone and woke me up. I couldn't sleep on tue night (or tue morning rather) until 3am...it was when my battery finally failed and i fell asleep watching CSI. Anyway, just to move the story along. we had a shouting fest that caught my grandma unaware. She was shocked and hurried into the living where i was sleeping. My uncle questioned me and said how can i give up hope on my mum and still say that "she's my only mother". He also said that we're doing nothing and not like him, who's trying to do everything. He also added that my father didn't deserve any respect and he wasn't a great man because of "what he did last time".

It was that line which broke me down. I shouted back and him and said that i didn't give up on my mum, Life gave her up. I said that it's not that there's nothing we can do, it's because there is nothing that can be done. I also added for good measure, just to insult his intelligence, that if he knew what i knew, and understood what i understand. If he know and asked the facts from us properly, he'll have felt the same as me. I told him that i have lost everything. I have lost my best friend, my sister, my mother. What else have i got to lose anymore? I HAVE NOTHING.

it was then that he couldn't take it anymore and demanded that i come down to the hospital straightaway. I gave him the "screw you" tone and told him why should i come down to the hospital just because he says so? It's his fault that he didn't give my father and i any respect. So why should i respect him? It was then that he said that my father don't deserve any respect...blah blah...

at the back of my sleepy mind, i was like "oh, so stealing 12k is terribly honorable. Fuck you."

I was totally angry and i cried like so hard....

my grandma asked who scolded me and i told her, "ah ku la, still got who else?"

then she said, let him do what he wants lor...i just blabbered to her. I said, what's there to help mummy anymore? What's there to do? Nothing? These people just want to get back control and cannot accept the fact that life is no longer in their control anymore. I have already lost everything, i cannot take the fact that they're giving my dad, me and her(grandma) trouble.

then she said that i worked my mum to her present condition all because i wanted to go overseas to study. I was shocked that she said that.

I just calmly told my grandma, "if you want to blame me for your daughter's condition. Go ahead. But my conscience is clear. Because i have already told my mum that i'll settle the school fees on my own. I'll pay my own way to sch and asked her to do her best. It was my mum who felt obligated to send me overseas and i already made myself clear to her. I told my grandma all these. I told her that if she and all her children feel better to blame me and my dad - i asked her to go ahead. I confessed that i sleep well at night is because i have always appreciated my mum. I bought her a bag when i started earning money. It was a bag she liked - the right size and depth - because she was so particular about a bag having enough pockets, enough space to put her books etc.

My grandma just sat there and cried.

I added that her children (my aunts and uncles) were selfish. They never once consoled her. My uncle never once consoled her. He never asked if she had enough money to spend. If she needed a haircut. None, not once, never. I asked her to reconsider her situation before putting the blame on me.

Then, if talking to her wasn't enough, my 3rd grandaunt had to call. She told me that my uncle called her and said that “你和ah ku吵了”

i was like. oh, so now i'm the one who initiated the fight. I told her straight off that

"我不是和ah ku 吵ok？是他和我吵。他先开口骂人的，他又尊敬我爸吗？”

then she started saying like how he's like that and she told me to tolerate his temperament. I told her that i have no time for his kiddish behaviour and that my mum cannot be "saved" per se. The doctors said that and whatever he's doing is unnecessary. I also told her, again, that if she understood what we know, she'll been in the same position as me.

then i called my dad and he was upset that my uncle talked to me liddat. So he called my uncle and told him that in the future, if he needs anything or wants to know anything, he'll have to go through my dad first. Because it's embarrassing for my dad that he by-passes the 'next-of-kin' and it's really not respecting our position. My dad also told him to back off from me and since i'm "young and inexperience, you should be expected to understand her emotions." YES...my dad used his words against him.

HAH HAH HAH.

anyway, today my uncle came in and said those pathetic words again. He told my 3rd grandaunt that he asked my mum whether she wants to go home for CNY. what he told my 3rd grandaunt shocked me. He said that my mum "said yes, she wants to go home."

For a moment, i wondered:"my mum talked?"

Then he said that she blinked a few times after he said that. then i was like, "wow....most convincing Yes, i've ever heard in my life." of course, to not cause the nurses any distress, i kept this to myself. Or else, they would have another patient to deal with - my uncle's broken skull.

He went on saying, "you know, she 1-2pm not responsive one. She only responsive at 3pm, then about 1/2 hour after that, she's tired. Then 7-8pm is the best timing to come."

I'm like, wah....hello? My mum opens her eyes the biggest at 12noon to 1pm, and opens again around 4-5....i was like *shakes head* *rolls eyes 360 degrees* still claim to know my mum so well. she lah...he walks out of the room when the nurses are changing her diapers and my mum's poop is really smelly. I stay in the room ok!

stupid uncle...

my dad claims that he's already lost because he regret so deeply and now he's finding ways to make my mum forgive him. It happened the same thing to my grandfather too. He cried at his funeral asking my grandfather to forgive him.

I think history is going to repeat itself.

Stupid, imbecile, ignorant human being.

My spit isn't worth having on his face.

22:09