CLAUD

Saturday, January 03, 2009

AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH

ok....that's much better considered that i cried today and i haven't cried so hard since the day when the docs told me that my mum was going to be brain dead.

ANYWAY....today, my dad decided to talk to my mum's side of the family - my uncle and aunts.

He opened the conversation saying very clear that no one is giving up on my mum and what the professor that is treating my mum said about her condition. Considering that, he still hopes for a miracle and that his stand is still to support my mum the best he can.

My uncle the replied asking my dad how he intends to help my mum given that it's already 6 weeks. So my dad answered him truthfully that he will see it day by day and talk to the doctors frequently. My uncle then brought up about seeking second opinion (actually, in front of me, he said change doctor, so now he say seek 2nd opinion - HYPOCRITE) and my dad agreed that if the doc can treat my mum, he'll go with the 2nd opinion and transfer her to mt elizabeth hospital.

My uncle also said, in his own words, "my friends father is exactly the same situation as my sister, so i have some confidence that at least the doctor there can treat her. Let's not talk about cost. Life is more important than money and i'll sell my house, sell my car...do whatever i can to save my sister. i have only 1 sister, she deserve better than this. She is a good person, i don't understand why must this happen to her. look at the ward, the environment is so bad. i believe if she is in a better ward, she can rest better because i think she is just tired. she deserves better care since she is such a good person."

"and also, please don't talk those unnecessary things in front of her...like what brain thing or shunt thing. i don't want her to be demoralised....she needs encouragement now..."

after hearing those words, as my aunt, how would u have felt?

as my father, would that imply that he is not doing everything he can?

as me, a daughter, what does that mean to me?

after he said those words, i said, "sorry for saying those things in front of my mum (referring to the shunt thing), but those are facts and it's rightful for my mum to know about her condition. is it wrong to say the right things? and you said that she's your only sister, she is MY MUM. have you put yourself in my shoes? i have tried thinking in your shoes and trying to be strong to bring everyone together, but you're not making it any easier...."

and he said with his chin jerking up in a patronising way, "have i ever said that you are not doing enough? huh?"

so i shouted at him, "YOUR ATTITUDE SHOWS!these few weeks i've been tolerating your attitude and it's damn stressful and tiring for me know? i'm already so stressed up about my mum."

then he defended with this lame thing saying, "you're still young huh. you don't know anything at all. i'm just trying to correct you for saying the wrong things. when i said we want to transfer her to a private hospital, how can u say that the insurance don't cover? (HELLO? he said that the insurance cover lor...i have to correct him right?)that is not right."

being pissified, i said very sarcarstically, "oh, so saying the practical thing and the right thing is wrong now. GREAT..."

and i added, "you didn't know, so i had to tell you."

he then heard wrongly and accused me of saying something else which i did not say. THANK GOODNESS my aunt came to my rescue and clarified things sternly with him, telling him that "she meant that u didn't know, so she tell you to let you know. why you so angry?"

then later, my dad cut him in and told him not to point fingers at anyone. he also told him to forgive and forget. He said that my uncle has to think about his mother as well. my grandma is the saddest one right now. she has already lost "your father" (in context to my uncle) and she cannot afford to lose your sister also. My dad also told him to take care of his mother as well and not neglect her.

SO TRUE! hurrays for my dad! he went straight to the point to cut him in.

my uncle is making HIS mother stay with us (i don't mind, but it's just not appropriate of him) and he dun even bother ask her how she's doing and how she's coping. he ever once asked my grandma how she feels about changing doctors and all. see what i mean?

That's why i was so upset. he made the whole conversation sound like he's the only one caring for my mum and that the whole world (rest of us) is just standing by doing nothing. that's what upset the whole table. he spoke without considering the rest of our emotions and only HE is important in all this.

know what? remember the last time i said i officially hate him and totally lost respect?

it just got into the negative scale. like 1-100 scale, he's like -1000000000

FUCK HIM.

selfish bastard who only sees himself.

right now, the focus is not to cure my mum. so what if my mum can become awake? she'll be bed-bound and she can't express herself due to the extensive damage done to her right brain. she has "no appreciation of self" to use the doc's words. do you seriously thing i want my mum to suffer like that? and knowing that she'll remain in a comatose state from now on, just gives me conviction that to take the stand of "let God do the rest" or "let Buddha save her" or "let Krishna have his plan for her" depending on yuor religion.

the doc said that my mum will have a heart attack due to the severity of her stroke and it's going to come sooner or later. Don't you think it'll be best for my mum to decide for herself there and then whether she wants to go to a better place or stay here with us? if you were my mum, what would you have done? stay here and be bed-bound? i don't think so....my mum's not leaving, i believe, it's because of me. she's worried of me and my dad so i'm telling her everyday that i can take care of myself and life will be great. not to worry for me....although i cry when i tell her that, i know i have to do it...

she has given up so much in her life for me. my last act of piety is to let her go in peace and happiness. this is what i want for my mum...she don't suffer just because we want her here...want her alive FOR US. it's not being kind to her.

she is my mum, i love so much and it pains me to see her go. but when the time comes, like i said, i want the best for her and i will respect the choice she makes.

_______________________________________________________________

oh yes...he want to seek a second opinion from a neurologist. at first, i was like ok...at least it has the word neuro in it. but after some searching, i realised that neurosurgery and neurology is very different. they deal with different problems of the brain. neurology deal with brain traumas, parkinson's disease, epilepsy etc. neurosurgery deals with stroke, hydrocephalus and aneurysm...what my mum has....

he want to go waste time at a neurologist office is up to him lor....make sure he prepares to pay for the consultation fees.

21:39