CLAUD

Friday, December 26, 2008

speechless

hahaha...i chose this title just for the ironic-heck of it.

Anyway, starting from yesterday christmas!

Haiz...nic,jon and chris (notice anyone missing? HAHA) were scheduled to come my house yesterday evening to bake pizza and watch movie...but, i forgot to bring my keys.

yes people, scold me, chide me, laugh at me. but my neighbour was nice enough to lend me a portable gas stove, a pot to bake (yes, u can do that people) and even helped us cut up the green and red peppers. lent us margarine, forks and spoon and a knife... she even helped us prepare. We burnt the pot once and she actually washed it clean for us! omg....we dun know to feel paiseh or grateful. i guess it's more of the latter =)

when my dad came home, he was totally angry but didn't shout cuz nic and job were there. THANK GOODNESS! can u imagine the beating up? wah...but he was pissed, so was my grandma - they were complaining with (note: it's not "to) my neighbour how forgetful i am, that this wasn't the first time...blah blah blah...it was a lousy feeling, i trust you can also empathise

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Today, alot of things happened. firstly in the morning, my grandma said, "you know, yesterday your dad was very angry, he said 'her (mine) lying here and she can...'" she sorta implied that my dad wasn't very happy that i didn't spend xmas night with my mum. hey, i spent xmas DAY with my mum...i just wanted a night off for myself leh...so i rebutted her about my dad going for his tennis games and i also wanted my life etc..

so later at the hospital while my grandma was in the toilet, i took the opportunity to clarify things with my dad, and my dad mentioned that he was just upset about the key thing. i was pleasantly shocked...because it means that my dad's actually ok with me going out. but then again, i don't understand why my grandma would use my dad's name to get to me..hmm, old people are hard to decipher.

anyway, my uncle came this afternoon with both my aunts...so a few things happened, just go through them in order of nasty to touching...

top of the charts of the nasty stuff

1) my uncle.

HAHAHA....he's expected to definitely top it. Why? Because he mentioned the driving license thing again. u know, mentioning it again may sound like he cares...i wouldn't mind if not for what he SAID. he made me sound like i'm some -grateful-for-nothing-bum who don't know when's the right time to take the driving license. he also said that after i learnt how to drive, i can "send my grandma to the hospital, send my dad to work and then go to sch myself since my family has a car....blah blah blah"

he thinks i don't know that already? gosh!and please, it's so dangerous to have a passenger a few months after you take lessons. AND...i'm not an ahmad lor! he think my NUS studies is like what one leh?like say drive then drive. don't get me wrong - i understand perfectly that my uncle may not be in touch with the times and he doesn't know what's the system today is. I'm upset at the fact that he doesn't ASK and LISTEN to what i'm saying. He don't even bother to give a shit on why i'm not going to take it. He don't trust my sense of judgement on my life. Now that's what i'm pissed at.

Irritated...he has such a narrow perspective of the the world - my world at least - and don't even bother to find out. He so noble,somemore he free now, he drive my grandma lah! talk so much...风凉话！ i'm perfectly pleased with the train...can return library books, draw money and buy stuff on the way, so convenient!

So insensitive: claims that he knows my mum so well...he don't even know that my mum has severe astigmism - over -800 on both eyes. still bring picture of his 5mth old daughter to let her see, how to see? my mum can't even see the drip beside her bed. ridiculous. and they don't believe me. all of them, my relatives, when i said that my mum is severely short sighted. GACK....they want proof? i HAVE proof.shove it in their faces.

*calms down*

ok, item number 2 (did i tell u that this is going to be a long post?)

2) My youngest aunt and aunty kwan (yvonne's mum)

Chris came to the hospital to see his grandma today and so i tot it was only appropriate that i went over for a visit as well. Meanwhile, aunty kwan told me some things that happened between my aunt and herself.

Firstly, my aunt told her that i still wanted to go overseas and she made it sound that i'm still stubborn and all. So aunty kwan, after learning from yvonne the story that took place 2 weeks ago, told my aunt that i'm mature enough to think for myself and it's really not the right timing to ask this question and suggests that my aunt don't bug me anymore with such pressure to make a decision now. she also said that right now my mind is all about my mum and i've already put my mum first place (which is so what they need to know!).

then my aunt added like, "oh actually, i also don't know her (my) family well. I only know because Leelee (my mum) talks to her on the phone and all."

my point exactly. u don't know me well enough - but i know so much about you because i bother to find out. what job, what's ur pay even....how ur children are doing....what's the primary sch syllabus now.

but other than that, i'm really grateful how aunty kwan helped me talk to my aunt. haiz...sometimes, adults have to talk to adults. we pre-adults don't have enough "power".

3) Today, my 2nd aunt (mum's side) and grandma ate dinner together.

We were eating and because i was eating something spicy, so it took awhie before i finished. but anyway, my grandma went up first and my aunt accompanied me until i finished. She was really nice and listened to me rant....i sort of found out more about her work too!

So i told her how i missed talking to my mum and although i seem ok inside, everytime i go home, i feel lonely because i miss saying, "Mummy, i'm home! today hor...i tell you ah,walao...blah blah" my daily complaints. =) and i almost cried when i said it...she was really empathetic although she's not really the emo type. But my aunt's definitely the caring type..hahaha, she just said, "what to do? Your mummy fated to be like this, we also have to accept lor"

HAHAHA....yes, echoed my words - seems heartless, but it's really true.

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Kris hit the spot: about how people may see that i'm not emotional enough etc....sometimes, i feel that the truly grevious don't "emo" all the time. I'm not saying there's a right to be truly grevious. Everyone's grief is different and unique in their way. I'm a daughter, i mourn the loss differently from my papa....

I don't think being "sad" is a valid reason to grieve. I strongly believe that my mum held everyone together and she was the one who gave us support when we needed it. When incidents like the above happen, u suddenly feel a sense of loss, and it's this loss and helplessness that prompts you to grieve and realise how important my mum is important to me. The subtle things that matter only surface when they are absent. From my mum, she was always defending me, substantiating my capabilities to my relatives....they only know it through my mum. I guess when my mum can no longer do that, they don't trust me as much as they do when my mum is around. I don't blame them...it's logical - trust and respect can only be earned, not super imposed.

It's not for anyone, but i'm going to prove to myself that i'm as capable as what my mum tells other people. I'll keep up what i've already done and take the initiative to shove my thoughts down my relatives' throats whether they like it or not. They'll have to accept the fact that this is my family and it is my shoulders that my family on rests on.

I'm 19 and unexperienced but i'm not ignorant. I know more things than my relatives give me credit for and i'm sure my close friends will understand how much i hate people patronising me. Like i don't know a damn thing....gosh...*thinks about what my uncle said today*

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