Claud

An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart.

She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art.

For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up,

in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.

thanks Guan yu and Weisheng for coming today....it was really a surprise (yet again from guan yu) and a comfort to know you care =) cheerio! thank you Mr. Sim for the concern too

and of course to the wonderful good looking (i can hear nat and van puking now) Jh for planning the mon trip...sorry for being so emo that day, but i really appreciate the visit =) 222 forever!

Nat....you're always here on my 'bad' days and never fail to cheer me up with sunshine! Love ya babe...i can always count on you to make me feel better....=)

Air-flown kisses to Shangyi for being there even when she's so far away...i also understand how frustrated you are and difficult it is to be in London. Really appreciate and look forward to your words of comfort and encouragement.

thanks Xinyi for hearing my rants and raves...and for being there when i needed you most. I know it's also a tough period for you...i'll be here, at tan tock seng ward 10a bed 21 when you need me...i'll be here day and night for you=)

hugz and kisses to Yvonne for being there when she can and forever being so accomodating with my family and friends...loves! i'll always welcome you...i just feel bad for not giving you my 100% attention when other ppl are here...>.<"

my gratefulness to Nic for coming (with jon) without me asking...for lending me to play patapon! it really cheered my day up and you're really a wonderful friend...let's spend more time together!

my everlasting appreciation to Chris for his wonderful company and understanding.....sorry lao gong for being so cranky last thurs....=(

and Kris thank you for the subtle things that matter so much....=)
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Remember what i said about unfortunate incidences bringing out the good and bad in a family?

Today, it started off horribly. No wait, it started off wrong last night. My grandma told me that my uncle (mum's brother) was going to fetch us to the hospital. I kind of have a queasy feeling about that. So today came and in the car my uncle asked me, like out of the blue, "Do you still want to go overseas to study."

I was naive and didn't think that this question had strings attached. I didn't think that his question came with an unmentioned "part 2" which was "...when your mum is like this." so i said yes. can you imagine what happens after i said that?

my uncle the chided me saying that my mum is still like this and i insist on going blah blah blah...i didn't mean it that way. I meant it like after my mum is settled down or gets better, i'll consider going, but meanwhile, i'll study in nus first. haiz....i tried to tell him after that - i won't go if my dad cannot pay for it and i won't go if my mum needs my care. he kinda didn't get it. he mentioned that my mum worries about me alot (hello? i already know that long time ago) and she used to call him to tell him stuff. I'm not stupid, i know my mum connects to alot of people and she tells stuff to alot of ppl too. But i think he forgets that i'm her daughter - i know stuff that you ppl don't know. i see my mum cry, my mum laugh and act silly....i know my mum - i know what she wants. my uncle still said, "there's only 2 things you need to do now: study well, and take care of your mum."

it's really not the time to treat me like a little kid. Like what yvonne said, he wants to take care of me like how my mum took care of him, but he doesn't know me enough to take care of me. I don't think he understands the severity of my mum's condition. Previously, i think i'm the only one who understands what my mum is REALLY going through. Now, i think my dad has joined the bandwagon.

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i told my dad about what happened that afternoon. I told him what my uncle said. He said to not care about what other people say and focus on mummy...focus on what we need to do as a family. He said that he knows that i'm going through a hard time by listening to what my uncle said that he felt that whatever my uncle said was insensitive and unecessary. My dad finally revealed the things he had been doing and explained some of the things he had done that i misunderstood.

For the first time in all this, i felt my dad close to my heart, like he's finally there for me. He's not as closed off as i thought he was. He even said that if the there is excess insurance money, he'll use it to send me overseas to study. He won't want me to give up my dream. But i told him that if my mum needs nursing care in the long run, then we shud use the money for my mum instead. it's still an on-going thing - but at least he offered the notion and that alone touched my heart.

unfortunately, we're both very worried that my mum may not even make it out of the hospital. My uncle has high hopes that my mum will be well again. Sadly, although it may seem harsh to some people for me to say this, my mum's best hopes is that she not deteoriate. A million things can happen to my mum now and she's already very strong to be able to pull through for so long. Her stroke is the worse of its kind - yet she's still breathing strongly. For that, i'm already very grateful. She may never walk or wake up again - but her story and life goes on in our hearts.

i guess my uncle needs to come to terms with the fact and i understand it's not easy for him either. He denys the doctors' assessment of my mum. Like what nat said, the doctors see things more objectively, although they are also compassionate and humane as well. The family see my mum as a strong woman, the person she was and not is. That's the difference. We have to see my mum as she IS...we cannot superimpose our feelings and expectations on her. That would be selfish. I told my mum, if she wants to let go, i'll be there for her when she goes....i won't be selfish and keep her back. she has worked all her life, it would be my term to sacrifice - to show piety to my mum in her last breath. Of course all these are arbitrary, and i'll only come to that when things turn for the worse. I want to be prepared...i have to be, for my dad and grandma.

Death is the common things that unite us and we all meet up with this process. I'm not blaming life or feeling sorry for myself that my mum has to go through this. If this is what i have to go through then so be it, i'll take it up and like the last scene in constantine, before he's ascending to heaven - give the devil the finger and tell him to go suck his *toot*.