CLAUD

Thursday, August 28, 2008

talk about a bad day

today was a horrible day (warning: lots of steam). like seriously topsy-turvy kind of horrible. fed-up kind of horrible.

a long time ago, i sent an email to imperial to ask for a deferment and they confirmed that they will hold my offer until 2009. i dunno how you would perceive it, but what i thought is that they will hold the offer for me until 2009.

However, a few days ago, i received a mail by UCAS and it said that i have lost all my offers because i didn't reply to them. I tot it was abit contradictory and so i sent an email to imperial AGAIN. and this morning i received a reply confirming what the letter already told me!#@($">#@(*#$<

so now i have partial funding, and no offers. previously, i had offers but no funding. and i screwed up big time.

not to boast but i hardly screw things like these up. i guess it's taking a toll on me. haiz....have to re-boot my system and take another look at things.

so right now, i should just give it up right?since i have not enough money anyway and accept my circumstances, accept that i can't go, accept my reality.

everytime i think about my future, i keep seeing the same picture run across my head. today, we had to form groups and one of my group mates asked me which major i'll be choosing. so i told him that most probably geog. he was like, "yeah, me too, but i dunno what to do after that."

i don't want to study and then keep worrying what happens after "that". that is one of my main concern. what happens? who knows? just study first la! blah blah blah.

my mum just lost her job, and with her age, she worries every time she is retrenched because of her age, her qualifications and her pay, it is very hard to get a job. it makes me think that in the future, with a BA - will i be in the same situation? worrying about your rice bowl from financial year to financial year? not saying a Bsc isn't going to be, but i think in some ways, being specialised has its benefits. nurses, doctors, therapists, scientists hardly find themselves first on the retrenchment list. I WONDER WHY.

so please, call me petty, call me short-sighted whatever you want to call me for being stubborn about NOT going to get a BA. it's not NUS that i'm worked up about. it's the certificate, the worth in the market. when you have friends working in the human resource department in an MNC, you get to know abit at how they hire people. and according to this friend, she says that specialist are hired first, followed by management and then "the rest".i wonder where a BA in geog will fall in.

i know i'm good and if i want to, i can make a good life in NUS too. but i feel that i'm pass the stage where i just sit back and see my life fall into place. if i may so quote barack obama:

"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."

The Urgent Need for Change.

I will prove you right or prove myself wrong. I will prove you wrong or prove myself right. It's all about your opinion in my future. My mum told me that the fact that my uncle bothered to call (which he hardly does) is that he supports me in this whole endeavour. The fact that Shangyi asks if I'm going over gives me comfort that someone there will be welcoming me at the airport. The fact that vonk tells me to consider again shows me that she doesn't want me to be lost forever. The fact that nat and xinyi helped me to get over the shock was a blessing.

i must count my blessings. i must stay positive. if i'm going to be beaten down now, then i really deserve NOT to go.

i told my mum, the very day i step onto the plane, will be the greatest achievement in my life. it will surpass whatever syf-games-competitions that i've ever went for.

have you ever considered: you will outgrow your own achievements one day? for instance, walking used to be an achievements for us as babies. then came grammer and algebra which led to writing 2000 word reports and finally the endless competitions we signed up for (willing or not). one day, we are ALL going to outgrow them. i bet you'll snicker at some adult who reminincses his moment of glory in secondary school track way back in 1980.

nothing is permanent except change, and one way or another, we have to accept that as part of our lives. hypocritically speaking, i should already give up the notion of going imperial as part of a change.

i am not ready. i see the change right in from of me. from imperial's acceptance to lee foundation.

20:34