crash and burn

since when did, "I might be going to Imperial" suddenly become, "I might NOT be going to Imperial."

yesterday, my uncle (mum's bro) gave me a talk and kept telling me repeatedly that - we cannot afford it-

i don't even want to argue and make it turn ugly. he kept telling me to be considerate and listen to my parents and not make them suffer. yeah, i'm a selfish brat - insisting on my ways. do they even know why i'm here in the first place?

since young i've always listened to my parents. Not do this, Not do that, Behave yourself, Sit properly, Speak sensibly the whole she-bang. then the only thing i wanted since secondary sch was to get into poly so that i can do nutrition. my father gave me that disappointed look and said he'd prefer i attended JC. fine. so i did.

and then after graduating, all i ever wanted is to study and make a better life than this shithole. at first, they said they would support me and see me through. my mum even seriously considered about the loan. even my dad was kinda swinging to the right wing. BUT...my uncle have to come in and wreck everything on this FACE REALITY argument.

do you know what is REALITY to me?

the reality is this. I take up a local geog degree, be a teacher and earn 2500 per month and be MAYBE happy for the rest of my life. sounds great to you?this isn't the end of the world isn't it? i thought so too. this isn't the end of the monotonous world if that's what you mean.

"so study after you have worked and earned some money" i go into uni at 19, i graduate at 23, i bond 4 years in MOE and by the i'll be freakin' 27. do you think i'll still want to do a geology degree? by then my parents would have been pushing 60, do you think i'll feel safe for them? if i go and study then without an income and with my parents semi-retired, wouldn't the burden on the family be more?to add on to that seriously flawed argument, if i need my kind relatives' help, their kids will be going to uni and they'll be even more financially burdened.

ridiculous....storming in and telling me what is and what isn't in my life.

this is MY LIFE for goodness sakes.

it's about time i started insisting on doing what i want rather that what you all think i want.

too bad. don't send me to school and then tell me i can't finish what i've started.

you can judge me and say that i'm selfish and self-centered. Perhaps to sober-up to life that you can't get everything you want.

i have given up everything i wanted in the past. things that i will never admit in giving up. right now - i just want to move on and take on another challenge.

I don't even feel like talking to aliens right now. I only feel like smiling to cats and dogs. that's because they won't judge me. they won't care if i'm Obama or Osama.

all i ask of you is to not judge me. I am not weak and I am not pampered. I am selfish and possesive over what i want because i know the feeling of forsaking for others too well.

This means war.

it's not like we cannot totally afford. it's not like i'm unwilling to work for my food and shelter. it's not like i'm dim.

it's just that this writer has a dream larger than what my uncle can comprehend.

like what vonk said - relatives shouldn't be tell ing you left-right-center what you can or cannot do in this cross-road of your life. you are the one living in it.

strange thing, my uncle said to not live your life on others. I'm going to do just that. I'm not going to listen to anyone for once and follow what my heart has been telling me. I've been a goody-two-shoes for too long. screw the rules.

If this is a mistake - at least this is going to be my mistake. I will pay the price. If i go with a broken hearts left behind me, then at least when i return happy, i will mend those broken hearts with a nod, a smile, a cert and a well paying job. if i remain here with my heart broken, who will mend it for me?by then the nod, the smile, cert and the paying job wouldn't do a damn thing at all.

people have said that this is what makes me special and others have said that this makes me irritating and compulsive. either way, say all you want...judge all you want.

If i'm making a mistake, then i'll never be happier to be proven wrong.