worked up

i know i've been scaring ppl with my worked up posts these few days...(hahaha...paiseh arh dawny)it's been an emotional time - hope you can understand.

in any case, it's been really vexing. I feel like everything has been a lie and part of me just wish that i can just give in. just take the award, go to a local uni and "be happy". no need to upset my family and my friends to study abroad. no need the sarcrifices of my mum to work overseas just for my studies. no need my dad to feel lonely back in singapore. no need for my grandma to disown me(although it's partially a joke, i know her meaning).

yeah...never knew the things going through right now because never once bothered to ask how are my preparations going on.

pardon my bad grammer, i can't seem to put sematics in place.

during this period of very difficult decisions...i still want to be thankful to some people - like nat has said, to count our blessings.

i'm thankful for nat...always looking out, asking the right questions and being the buddy she is.

i'm thankful for xinyi...telling me how she'll miss me if i'm in england (emphasis on the IF).we'll always be in contact darl

i'm thankful for my mum...for giving up so much so that i can realise my dream. the fortune teller was right, i will take care of her for life.

i'm thankful for my dad...telling me "you and mummy decide, papa will be okay". for telling me what i needed to hear most. thanks for supporting me all these years.

i'm thankful for vann...for cheering up my interview-day and reassuring me. really needed that encouragement.

I'm thankful for shangyi...giving me tireless encouragement and unselfishly sharing all the information she can with me on studying overseas. Not everyone is that willing...i thank you.

i'm thankful for nic...who always bothered to check up and for all the things she've done for me.

i'm thankful for chris...who has been the greatest listening ear. and for being a capricorn, the capricorn born on the 6th of Jan =)

i'm thankful for my grandma (the other one)...for supporting my studies and implicitly passed the message on to my other relatives. in doing so, they all became there for me over night...i'm immensely greatful to my extended family.

i'm thankful for MOE...for giving me the honour of the teaching award.

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Jenna said that my life is undergoing tremendous change. The 118 days started last week.

Because of this, I want so much to make my plans work. To take advantage of this opportunity and pursue my dreams.

I'll be happy when I get there.

There is no "there". It is only an illusion in which we make up so that we can have our pride feel better. To always find the next Joe to win over, to not settle for second best in everything in life- life will feel empty. True, we all want the best, who doesn't? But there are times when we have to take a step back and extend an arm of aid to help others as well.

Sometimes even, we have to take a step back to help ourselves, or let others help us when we don't even know we are drowning.

Relationships,family, forgiving, giving are what makes our life meaningful. We cannot habour hatred and not have dire consequences later in life. You will lose much more than you already have and no amount of material possessions or parties will fill that emptiness in your heart.

Count your blessings, and always be thankful to those who have helped you and harmed you.

Even if I don't make it overseas, at least when I walk into NUS/NTU, I know that I've put up a good fight.