Hi everyone, my name is Claudia...

This is my story. My real hopes and dreams. There'll be no more pretenses and no more lies.

I was born on the 16 September 1989. 3:30am ish. I had a head of hair and an ugly crying face. I was born to lie.

I ditched the pampers and pacifier when i was 3mths. I started to walk nearing my 1st birthday.

I attended church when i was staying over at my aunt's place when my mum was on holiday in Europe. I remembered the experience well. My aunt bought me a picture book on the Nativity and the passion of Christ. For so long, I always treasure it dear to my heart. I prayed with my aunt before i went to bed.

I went to Glory Joy, another Christian kindergarden. I danced in a bikini for my graduation ceremony. I still have that bikini. That was the first and the last time i danced in a bikini.

Then i attended a drama class and fell in love with the drama teacher. I attended piano lessons and came to a point, where i didn't want to learn the piano anymore.

Learning piano became a challenge. It only meant as a challenge. To always overcome this piece so that i can conquer the next. I sniffed at pieces that provided no challenge. Then subconciously i became proud. Never seeing what music really was. It wasn't about being able to play, but rather being able to enjoy music as it is.

In secondary school, i don't really want to remember too much of it. Partly because it still hurts and partly because it was true. till this day, it still puzzles me why they still talk to me. I still cringe when people tell me about my bad points. I also understand they mean well and they want the best for me. Until today, i believe people are hedonistic. Some things have changed, i learnt that people are good and they also want the best for other people.

I assume alot. Kok Wey used to remind me that. I keep assuming the worse of people that i miss out the good things as well. I compete alot. So much so that i can no longer see what was important to me.

vonk was right, i should compete with my buddies instead of against them.

In secondary 2, I fell in love with Geography. Rather, should i say, i feel in love with the chapter on Climate and vegetation. Biogeography. I never told anyone this, but geography wasn't my first love. Neither was nutrition. It was Geology. the physical earth sciences that intrigued this screwed brain.

For so long, i never really admitted that i was fragile. that yes, i needed someone to be with me. that yes, i'm also unsure of what i want. that also, i need help. i was ashamed of looking for my best friend to talk to because i assumed she wouldn't understand. But it turned out she understood me more than me.

Because i always give the impression that i was self-assured and secure. There is nothing inside me that i can proud of. Which is why i'm only trying to be better at everybody so that it feels better.

Those are the reasons why i dream a lot. Those are the reasons why i cannot seem to sleep well at night.

I never wanted to face to those reasons. I'm not going to run away now.

The truth is, i was never proud of what my interests. In fact, i was ashamed of it. I find filling in questionaires asking "What are your hobbies?" difficult.

I go to the national library 7th floor to read only 1 thing - geology and geochemistry.

I love theatre and musicals. I love reading trashy romance novels. I love watching television and chewing on chips. I love being lazy and not doing anything at home. I like to go for examinations. I like to go to school. I like to study. I like stuff like Ghost in the Shell and 27 dresses. I like shows like wire in the blood, numbers, CSI and detective shows. I'm proud of YJ.

My dream was never to be a teacher. My dream was and is to get an education overseas and never come back.

I can't play the clarinet well.

I have always wanted to marry and have 8 kids.

add a golden retriever in the picture as well.

I never really liked purple. I prefer orange, red, dark brown, black, white, gold and cherry wood.

I hate parties, chalets, ceremonies blah blah blah...

I love a cosy get-together with a few friends over hot chocolate and a blankie.

I love shoes. I love chocolate milk.

I was taught not to lie. So i found ways to cover up the truth. To create an alternate reality to the perceiver. That's why i felt like i couldn't really tell anyone anything. Because my truth was so different from what i told them their truth was.

and so i stand before you, with no more pretenses and lies. I dun know what image i was holding up to yesterday. But today, i want to create a new image. Not one that people will approve, but one that will make me happy.

the only thing that is really real for the past 18ish years is my promise to my friends - I will not forsake you in times of difficulty.

and yes, i pray to god from since my aunt brought me to church.