i don't have straight A's and i don't have all B's, i have teachers telling me to take the chance because i have strong CCA records. Then yet again, i am also told that whatever i achieved, others have done the same.

So what makes me so good?

i don't know really, i guess no one can truly answer that question. it's just that right now - after all my hard work, the time for reflection has come.

after filling in my cca credentials, i realised actually there is much that i can be proud of. like i could recount every single thing that happened and they are not just fleeting instances.

i agree with chris, like if we were to start comparing CCA records in a quantitative way, you're basically chasing your own tail. It's like nobody can exactly qualify and attend every seminar, or participate in every competition as well as be part of every activity. We pick and choose what we like.

so maybe i've thought this through that nothing is insignificant and nothing is "everybody else's". i can say this for sure because everyone else's experience differ and that difference is important to whoever is selecting potential candidates.

It's ever so disheartening to have someone you trust let you feel that you're not good enough. I know i don't possess the qualities to be the best or at least, one of the best. That's why i seek so many other people's opinion about my work - to check and balance. If i know i am the best, why do i even bother asking so many people to vet through my horrigible england?

for now, i want to rely on my instincts and do what i feel is right. afterall, this is my future concerned and as vonk said, this is not the time for self-doubt.

somehow, perhaps i want this scholarship so much that i'm going all out for it. Maybe too "all-out" that i forget that being me is important as well. There's no need to fit into the shoe that's not made for me - no matter how beautiful it looks on the outsider. Afterall, the wearer will have to bear with the blisters for the long journey ahead.