hahaha...i think i might have found my answer.

to not think too much. as i've been told so many times to NOT do.

i agree too, it's emotionally draining to keep thinking. it's like my internal processor is running overtime.

i guess the answer was right in front of my long ago, i had always knew what it was but never really accepted the idea that i could actually have a thing called religion.

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today, i watched national geographic. yeah. to some it maybe the most boring past time ever.

i saw this show called "bethlehem on fire." it speaks about the religious conflict of the 3 most influential religions in the world. islam, judaism and christianity.

the one thing that haunts me most was the famous church of nativity - a church build over the cave of the birthplace of Christ. what was even more haunting is that 3 dominions share this church and have strict rules (300 pages of it) on how each dominion should behave in this church. the greek orthodox have the most authority - according to the show because they hold an ancient key to the doors of the church entrance. but the roman catholics have sole use of the nativity grotto (whatever that means) etc.

why the division?

that is what makes me puzzle - within the same compounds lies 3 different lands. priests actually got into fist-fights because someone have stepped over a boundary of some sort. more haunting is the fact that amidst the tensions between the 3 religions, in this religion, there is also tensions between the 3 dominions.

i used to think that people stick together when they are threatened by "outsiders". after this show, i don't think the same anymore.

israel is a country divided, literally by the security walls, by religion. when 3 the religions share so much in common - academically, it is only common sense that they would have little difference to fight over. however in reality, their similarities only augment the differences between them. sad - but true.

the truth does not suggest this, neither does it suggest otherwise. and we have to learn to accept what is simply there.

it sounds easier than practice because we always see what we WANT to see.

many times, such incidences make us rekindle our humanity and think about what we have done to ourselves. we are no different from herds of elephants who are claiming territory and we are no different from dogs who urinate on lamposts to mark their area. we are different, however in a sense, that we do it with pen, words and guns.

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to know peace, we have to understand suffering.

my senses are so muted to suffering - that maybe only subconcious tears will fall from my eyes. tears that even my concious mind does not understand.

why don't i cry for others although i'm supposed to?

maybe because, i don't understand their suffering - i have not gone through the pain.