maybe before i start, i better put up a disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: The contents represented is not intended at a particular individual. (it came more or less from inspiration and "trigger-ation")

alright, these few weeks i've been throught alot. I have people throwing insults and blame at me like nobody's business. I've faced the worse side of my personality that i thought i could avoid altogether.

I prayed for wisdom and strength in life. Sometimes i wonder if churches should also put up a sign that says, "becareful and be prepared for what you pray for." - okay that was a joke, so no offence right?

what i really mean is that we have to be prepared to face up to challenges if we want to be a better person. and part of that process is to be hurt and be healed. indeed, i was always a careless person and one who gives open ended 敷衍 answers. True, it was my way of getting things done and apparently, people out there don't eat this kind of crap.

So yeah, i can always choose to run away from it and tell the whole world about how the work people around me are treating me. (which i did.) but the fact remains that we cannot rant and hope that the problem goes away by its own. what we can do, is that we rant, and then deal with the problem.

i've learnt that part of healing is to be hurt. the healing i'm talking about here is the part of us which we do not dare to face up to. our inner insecurities, our ego, our carelessness, our indecisiveness that cost us our satisfaction life. How to illustrate this leh...hmm, more of like the stuff i find myself saying, "damn, if i were more careful, i wouldn't need to re-do this essay." or "i wish i could be more accepting of myself and be like XXX."

yeah...those sort of things. the sort of weakness within us that makes us less happy about who we are.

what does it mean to become stronger? and why dont' the heck people talk about being hurt? (ok, besides the fact that it may be painful to talk about....)

to me la, it makes sense when we put ourselves through hurt to make ourselves feel better. why? why hurt yourself when you can always be in the comfy shell and do what you want to do? tat is because that comfy shell will one day erode away and we'll all be exposed to this cold harsh world. would it be better to be able to test the waters yourself than to have someone rudely push you into the dreaded sea? i rather wade my way into the depths than get some helicopter to throw you in the middle of the ocean. that analogy is nothing compared to what is real.

douse yourself with the cold waters of reality. speaking of reality, i've faced the realisation that perhaps this scholarship thing may not come through.

so my idea of the irony in healing, is that for us to be able to heal from our inner troubles, we have to put ourselves through hurt and from there, gain a new experience. then yet again, we all have the freedom to avoid the horrible part of ourselves and still get on with our lives.

not everyone has that sort of comfortable freedom. more precisely, i know i do not have that kind of freedom. part of me is reluctant to accept that fact that anybody does have that kind of freedom. when was the last time you had your trifle with a friend, family, bf/gf? not too long ago isn't it？ tell me never and i'll ask some god to issue you a certificate "of Serendipity and Perfection".

people seek perfection from others but do not ask perfection unto themselvs.

i feel strongly about getting prepared to be hurt.being prepared is perhaps our only way of making this pain lesser - because simply you saw it coming. i did (prepare myself) when i took up this admin job. the whole world knows i can't do admin. and the whole world knows i can't be in an office environment. but i still went ahead with it because stepping out of my comfort zone may make me a better work in my chosen field in the future. No experience is left to waste.

why do i throw myself out of singapore to study alone for 3-4years? why do i continue to work when i can just walk away? why do i take up so many projects at once when i can rest?

the answer is simply because i want to live life to the fullest. I don't want to become a teacher with narrow insights and even narrower line of vision for my students. teaching is not a goddamn job, teaching to me is a responsibility. and to become a more responsible person, i have to learn to be responsible for my words and actions. that is one that i'm willing to continue to learn at my work place.

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do you believe that you have true freedom in life to do whatever you want to?

everyone has the freedom to score well in exams, everyone has a freedom to take up whatever job they want.

sounds fantastic in theory. but practically speaking, there is no such freedom. invisible lines and boundaries are always drawn. for instance - free subject combination for everyone! but wait, you can't take physics without H2 math, and to take h2 math you need A math. you want chemistry? sure!, oh but wait, you forgot to take h1 math. you mean you don't want to do math? sorry, no chemistry for you!

hahaha...sometimes i hate to bring myself to say this but - aristocracy is the practice of meritocracy. there will always be someone who is in a better position to achieve that merit.

my vision of life is filled with ironies.

freedom - people who believe in this concept find themselves working against the unwritten boundaries and rules which makes them unjustified in the end.

irony - a concept i believe is working against the boundaries but yet making friends with my "enemies" in the end.

-p.s if you have trouble understanding or feel that the above does not apply to you, then you must have a very very fortunate life. -