i can't sleep...again, so that's why i'm here blogging...

it's 2:30am people...hahaha, my earliest ever recorded blog post (if my memory doesn't fail me)damn...should have started earlier, like 2:22am...hahaha

it's geog tml but it seems that i can't get myself to sleep...and yes, there are somethings that are bothering me, and no xinyi and nat, it's not that.

ever knew the feeling of uncertainty?claudia wong doesn't like the feeling at all....*sulks*but my point here would be that we have to face up to it somehow or rather and hope that all blows over soon. hmm, come to think of it maybe that's why i cannot slp properly everytime before compeitions and crucial examinations.

anyway....

remembered last time nat told me like i'm not open to people and stuff and like i had this firewall around that makes it hard for friends to get through. perhaps, over the time, i realised what this firewall was....

in many occasions, firewalls are built around us because we are hurt before, and we don't want to be hurt again. the source of the hurt may seem very small to some people, but it affects you alot personally and to prevent that from happening, we set up barriers to not let it afect us again.

however, many times, when we put up this firewall, we have missed out what is truly important to us and pass by on the opportunities just because we are afraid to be "hurt".

is it worth it? yes and no, and there is no objective answer to this.

but to me, it'd be a no, it's not worth it...because by closing myself to the world, and yet expecting that life be normal is too much to ask. you can either be one or the other, but never together. simply put, you cannot expect people to open up to you, when you don't open up to people. and in my own experience, by not opening up to people in response to their willingness to want to know you better, is hurting them. and since if we also care about other people's feelings, a dilemma from this paradox results.

which is why i say, i'd rather get hurt and takes things into stride, than to live a wary life. it's like a convict constantly running from the police to avoid capture and then admiring those people who live in the light. do you envy their freedom,their will to do whatever they want and the luxury of expressing themselves easily?

getting hurt and bruised teaches us lessons and makes us a better person. it makes us stronger and better for other people as well. life is not about how much money you have or how many friends you know...it's about how much you've learnt from your mistakes and how far you've come thus far that is really important.

seriously, who gives a shit(pardon my language) about your life unless your life affects other people? since that is the case, then logically speaking, shouldn't you be dealing in that department rather than focusing on the wrong things? that is the problem with our society: as cliche as it sounds, people say once you know riches you wouldn't want to go back to rags. didn't anyone else stop to think that riches doesn't mean money here?you can be rich in spirit and rich in heart and no matter what people do to you - that part can never be taken away. to put it materialistically: if you want an ideal good that is always free, always usable in any time of the fashion season and never having to bother to go "match" it with other things, then i suggest you take advantage of the discount on the good called: spiritual fulfillment.

it's free - really. and the best part is that it's the best bargain in town too...it's the perfect buy one get one free good. once you attainted spiritual fulfillment, everything that you ever want: inner peace, self-assurance and identity will natually come your way.

at least, this is how i feel.

i strongly believe, that people want to connect with other people, which is why we tell each other about ourselves so that we can learn more about each other.

宽恕 - opening up your heart makes you see further and wider, don't deny yourself from this part of life

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it doesn't matter to me if i don't know you well (it's only been less than a year dammit). what matters is that i want to know you and that is all.

people who talk more don't necessarily mean they express themselves well,

people who express themselves better dont necessarily mean they allow you to know them better

sometimes, if may be so bold, God forgets to install MSN LIVE MESSENGER in the brains of some people (the male gender would be a perfect example - hahaha...being sexist here) - so the result? they become unresponsive and unreceptive: a reality-based Appear Offline-er.

hahaha...just trying to draw up a picture so people can understand what i mean...

but....people who don't express themselves don't necessarily mean they do not care.

everyone wants to connect: it's the depth of connection in which you allow people to take that differentiates a fair-weathered friend from a true friend.

i don't care - i'm already grateful that you've come into my life and brightened it so much...i'm already grateful that you have shown me happiness that i have never known