shifting my paradigm

readers warning: at this point of time, although i haven't started to write anything, i know that it's going to be long and personal. so if you're looking for something less solemn then i wud suggest reading the one below first...hahaha

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after so long, yeah, about erm....8 months now?i've been keeping a deep dark some say, dirty secret...no, i'm not gay.

i keep wondering, if i've offended you in anyway. i know that i offend people on the daily basis...that is because this is who i am, and i'm fortunate to have friends who encompass that part of me.i'm afraid of hurting your feelings because your feelings mean too much to me. the closer to get to me, the more afraid i am of losing you.

and this unspeakable pain inside is not something you can understand fully. even if i were to say it to you in person...and even more unlikely will you be reading this. as i've said so: unless a miracle intervenes, it's more of less "i'm talking to the wall" scene. and that tickles to too....hahahaha, see i'm talking to myself

on my own,

pretending he's beside me,

all alone, i walk with him till morning

without him, i feel his arms around me

and when i lose my way i close my eyes and he has found me!

in the rain, the pavement shines like silver,

all the lights are misty in the river,

in the darkness, the trees are full of starlight,

and all i see is him and me for ever and forever

and i know, it's only in my mind,

that i'm talking to myself and not to him

and although i know that he is blind,

still i say there's a way for us!

i love him, but when the night is over,

he is gone, the river is just a river,

without him, the world around me changes

the trees are bare and everyhwere the streets are full of strangers....

- excerpt: Eponine, Les Miserables http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1JO4p1FElw

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i know the rationale behind it: people assume that once someone had said something hurtful, it means they don't care enough to bother about your feelings. right?

i guess there's no denying the fact that people, of sorts do exist, since i used to be someone like that...i guess there's no use ornamenting my history.i always feel that i'm less than other people you know? like somehow this feeling that other people have the right to go about being hurt and angry, but i don't have this "priviledge" because it's like a stigma. like some sort of a punishment for my carelessness in my words and actions.

but how many times do i have to say sorry? i keep saying sorry when i was learning how to learn to ride the bike. i keep saying sorry when people have to see me on my emo-days...i say sorry when i don't feel like i've sort of like 'lived up to some sort of expectations" i say sorry too often.

the solution is not to stop saying sorry, but rather to feel more secure inside. i know that....joshua once told me to be more self-assured.

he saw through me at once - pity we aren't keeping contact anymore.

outwardly, i maybe be outgoing but inside there's this void that cannot be filled. there's inadequacy that always seems to be there. in relationships, friendships, kindships...somehow i feel like i didnt' "earn" them and so i don't deserve it you know?

perhaps being the only child has it's drawbacks - you're constantly looking for outside influences to assure the inside. and if that outside assurace is lacking, this thing called self-doubt takes over.

i always feel the need to serve people - maybe it's a virgo thing, but like seeing people happy makes me happy and seeing people sad makes me sad too. i don't know why, but sometimes i want to know that someone out there is happy that i am happy too you know? like it really meant alot when nat said she's happy to see me happy...and that smirk that vonk always give when i talk about HS....hahahaha...it's like people care.

call it dual-directional selfishness....because i find it hard to give without taking, and i find it hard to take without giving. it's like neither seems right to me. i'm sure alot of people would disagree.

it would be: "why not take all the time? it seems to be the better deal..." or "how can you be so selfish and take? you should work without rewards." somehow, these 2 thoughts always seem to echo in my head.

whatever i take up a project of sorts, whether personal or not, the first thing that comes to my mind is - what will this project give me?how will i benefit from it? but when i truly delve into the project, these questions are never answered because in some way, i'll be too caught up to help those who are struggling and the salvage the project rather than think about those questions.

i guess it's kinda normal for all people - but it has become a concious thing for me. like the concious need to always worry about people. the concious need to look out for my friends...i'm only complaining because there's no rationality behind these urges...

yes...it bothers me alot when i see no logic - i see no logic in love, friendship and kinship.

yet, just when i tell myself "i'll isolate myself for A's, i'll concentrate on my studies only..." who am i kidding? unprecedentedly, i need my friends...my erm...hahaha...you know who and my family. it's troubling to not have anyone to talk to for the entire day, it kinda saddens me when no one visits my sms inbox and it's weird, but i don't mind people saying hello to me when i'm studying....really, i welcome the distraction.

i guess people don't bother me because the impression i gave was , "don't come near me" like i have a big red and white -no entry- sign pasted everywhere. but really, it's times like these where company is VERY VERY MUCH appreciated.

hahaha....just like vonked said when she didn't receive a single sms for the entire day," yikes, i feel so unloved..."

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worrying has become my new bad habit....i think it's because i'm afraid of losing people too.

i don't miss people like miss people. to me, missing someone is about at the moment kind of thing. like you are watching a movie and you wish that someone would be beside you bitching about the same thing....like how to say? like when i watch some fengshui stuff aka horoscope stuff i wish vonk was beside me and jon too for that matter....then if i watch something comedy i wish kris, vann, nat and xinyi were watching the same thing because they would have so much to say about it...then if i go around looking for electronics i wish darren were with me...when i pick up my racquet i wish nico was here....and of course when i think of eating...hahahaha, chris pops to my mind. oh yeah...when i watch anime, somehow i hope marcus is watching this too....hahaha

vonk: i now know why i'm so emo - both my parents are water signs :dad's a cancer, mum's a scorpio...parents really do influence you alot!

anyway, as i was saying - it's hard to grasp that inner confidence like terrena has.

in a way, i want to grab the control of knowing what i'm saying and how i'm saying and be more assured that sometimes 人言无意，听者有意...what people say may not have any underlying offence or meaning, but those who listen sometimes invariably link to other things that may cause misunderstanding.

please, this is not an excuse for any of us to go around hurting people's feelings...but rather, some miscommunications just happens.

i must have trust in my friends and i must alwasy trust myself - that somehow, in some ways i've become a better person.

yes, i'm ready to shackle off my past and walk on to the future - whatever it may bring.

so - i'm not going to say sorry anymore. i won't apologize to my own insecurities but instead, i'll apologize for it.

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to all my friends: i just want to let you guys/gals know that whatever that i've said that have hurt you all in the past, is really not meant to offend in anyway. although it may seem lame to say anything for that but i won't deny that the hurt is there - so i'll apologise, for the last time, for all the hurt that i've caused you all in the past and future. i believe true friends can give one another a chance and know when to forgive a friend and when not to forgive a friend in need.

true friends will not forgive a friend, if they know their forgiveness will do their friends more harm than good....it's the same principle as a mother beating her child even though it hurts that much.

but ultimately - let's treasure whatever time we have left on this world and live, as well as let live!

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and i'm still crazy about you....somehow i think again and again, should i stop being crazy about you....should i give up this futile dream?