counting blessings

by the way, it's tiring to live up to a set of expectations and it sure is contradicting to not live by them. either way, i'm rambling.

not being myself these few days, i think perhaps the pass few days knocked me up real bad. although there are some hard knocks in life, like the musical Annie, "It's a hard knock life" (cute song if you pay attention to the lyrics and all)...to have them all at one go can have detrimental effects on your life span.

not that i want to live for a very long time anyway....

oh well....thanks to nat and xinyi, who've been with me through the crappy times...hahaha, sometimes i'm really grateful to 222 for standing together in this matter...clearly, it can't be a fact that all 9 of us are wrong can it?

anyway, i don't like the feeling of losing people....maybe it's a belief i hold dear to my heart that i will never lose anyone ever again and i'll hold all my friends near and dear. i believe it's time to change that thinking. people do come and go, and when they do, they leave voids in your heart that can, or cannot be filled by other people. however, there are some people who are irreplacable in their own right. people who give unconditionally always have a very special place in my heart.

we all want to be accepted in this world one way or another right? although it's not the most easy thing to do, but why do we want to be accepted so badly? it always puzzles me because after so long, i still get paranoid when people don't "like me". maybe because i don't see the problem myself, or another way is that i feel it's unjustified.

unjustified how?

unjustified in a way where you never had any grudges against that person, but somehow you manage to piss that person off. i don't mind if like "i don't like you, so you don't like me".....but it kinda quizes me why people can don't like another person for so long. maybe i have a short-term memory, rather, i prefer to call it "not holding grudges"....

grudges are like a clogged artery which manifests itself. once you let it go, you feel much better. indeed, why torture yourself with the pain of others? i remember a saying that goes, "revenge and hatred is like taking the poison yourself and wishing the other person dead."

ironic isn't it?

of course i'm not saying that everyone has to go be brothers and sisters with the whole world. more like, ease back on the hatred and have more of understanding and compassion. surely, the words of sages can't all be that difficult to follow?i understand that some people just don't clique. so be it, let it go...don't clique means don't clique, like what kris say, no point forcing anyway...but then if you don't clique, you don't need to channe that frustration into dislike right? there's always respect and comprehension....why do we have to immediately to the embrace of anger and dislike?to me, the idea sounds ridiculous. if those are satanic, then definitely, alot of people are falling right in for it.

in the course of all these things, it made me count my blessings more. at least, i feel justified in my thoughts and actions because i have people who support me all the way. people are like our mirrors,(okay, tt sounds abit like mrs ng)...whatever we do, it is reflected in the way they feed back to us. their body language, their replies and their attitude towards you.

which is why sometimes people don't like me, i become defensive, and then offensive....offensive in a way like asking why they do not like me. what have i done to have make them feel this way.

this answer cannot be answered by myself, rather, it can only be answered by the person who didn't like me. there are many things i do which irritate, annoy, piss off, confuse and more importantly disorientate people. whatever the context is, i believe everyone has also done the same before.

tit for tat.

you cannot receive all the good things and give none.

similarly, you cannot give all the bad things and receive none. there's bound to be some friction, afterall, it takes 2 tectonic plates to rub each other to cause an earthquake right? however disappointed, angry or hopping mad you are...perhaps taking a few deep breaths and sitting down to think it over...putting your personal emotions aside might help you literally-clear your head better.

there is no point being angry at something...you can be disappointed yes, but life goes on....unless you want to grow up and be more mature, i suggest that you stop brawling and stomping. see no benefits in being mature? then perhaps you sound consider the losses of being childish.

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i just called to check out on you and my third sentence after the second, was about asking if you needed any more help. however you never gave me the opportunity to complete it.

i just called to check out about some stuff that i've heard and i wanted to clarify some things in which you never gave me the chance to do so. and no, it's not about paying or not paying, rather it's the HOW and WHAT we're paying.

i just called to check out if you had forgotten about the money and wanted to remind you that the collection date was this friday.

but, it seems you have allowed your temper to get in the way of things and have insisted of interpreting your way. i won't stop you, nor correct you unless you truly willing

i apologise for all the trouble we have caused for you. I admit that we've erred in some areas but would you admit that you're at fault too?

i thank you for the friendship and having faith in me initally

it seems that i have disappointed you and our friendship - for that on my personal behalf, i'm sincerely sorry for that.

ironic as it may sound, it seems it really, literally, won't happen again.