i want to.....i so very much want to be myself, but how can i let my feelings be known? how can i erase that lonely feeling everytime i step into that place...why why why?

sometimes i hate myself for feeling so stupid...like anything is gonna happen.it's that because i wish something would happen. i don't have the guts to make it happen for myself...yes, i have the guts to change what i believe in, but i don't have the guts to do things for myself.

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maybe it's the plight of virgos, i dare not do things for myself....it's like a wrong to do things for yourself. the voice in my head says, "no no no, you are not worthy of getting things you want, you are not worthy of people loving you blah blah blah"...the voice in my head just plays on.

i like to help people, but sometimes, it's pretty upsetting to not be appreciated for your contributions once in a while. maybe one of the reasons why i'm so upset over the cca achievement and scholarship thing is because i feel that i cannot credit myself, so i rely on others to credit me, and when they don't, i feel let down upon.

how do i really tell those people around me, that i really want to be appreciated also? that sometimes, once in a while, i want some kind of encouragement and nice words that really touch your heart you know?

all of us want some sort of words that really mean alot, like words of comfort, but rather, letting the person beside know you'll always be open to your rants...letting the person know that they'll always pay attention to the things they say. THESE are the words that i want to hear...and yet, i guess people don't say them enough?

i'm tired of giving, giving, giving, giving, giving...sometimes i want to take also. but i guess from the circumstances around me, i don't have a right to be happy, to be angry or be upset. sometimes i ask myself, why is this person an outcast? why is he being ignored by the rest of the class...but i guess the majority would think like, "what's wrong with that person?why don't he join us?"

somehow i feel blamed for not being more participative like i was in p19...but then, i'm must have some reasons as to why i don't in the first place...reasons that i've forgotten long ago. and yeah....i'm depressed, and no body's answering my call...

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my handphone seems especially silent when you're not messaging me.

for so long, i've been wanting to tell you how i really feel....but i'm afraid that it's going to be like last-times and frankly, i can't stand another rejection anymore (partly because i like you so much) so i guess there's a prob of 0.00000001 that you'll be reading this, and another prob of 0.00000000000001 that you'll understand that it's you that i'm talking about.

however, i'm still taking that chance, maybe when you're sure that you're feeling the same and open up to me, perhaps you can "save me from my solitude."

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ever since i was a child, there's always this part of me that i never share with other people...and like i've told xinyi, it's because i don't feel comfortable to do so, and i don't seem to think anyone will understand.i've tried once or twice, but somehow, even the answers seem hollow to my ears. mayhap that the answers lie deep within myself and it's within me that i have to search.

which is why i never told anyone how i really feel....because if i do, i'll never be forgiven and i've learnt - somewhat the hard way - that people dont' forgive criticisms easily.

"you're unique" - so many people have told me tt, but sometimes, i want to be just "normal"...so at least i don't feel lonely...

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and that's where you come in, because you're the only other person who understands how i feel, answer me in the most frank of way that i cannot look at you in the eye lately...because you're too truthful, too straightforward that that gleam makes me feel uncomfortable inside. however, it's because of those that i admire and cherish.

whatever that happens, you'll be a treasured friend and i'm sure i'll learn how to talk more comfortably around you again