remember that i'll come back during june, forget it......seems like i have time these days amidst all the madness

there is a fear that constantly haunts me... it's not about band or anything...so just get this straight.i'm not representing anything or anyone here in this claudia-claudia conversation yah?

_____________________________________________

what's happened to me? i seem to have no life going after achievements and accomplishing stuff that i forget about simple things. it really feels like i've lost touch of myself, forget about what a life i've known.

i love to write. perhaps it may be obvious, but i really do. and right now, i'll like to take an opportunity to thank a very special person.

to weisheng: although we may not be very close or perhaps you don't like me a lot, but i just wanna thank you for encouraging me along the way. that time when you said, "i think this script was very well written", i kinda blew me away for a second because never in my life have i thought that i was a good writer.

in case some of you didn't know, the initial plan (or rather excuse) was not for me to write the concert script, but rather, a g.p teacher to do it. however, things turned out in such a way that the script had to be written and so it took me alot of courage to do it.

one will never know how much courage it took me to type out the first word - because the reminisence of what happened in the x'mas concert was still in my heart although i didn't really show them

that comes to my next point - why couldn't i show them?

but anyway, when someone complimented that it was at least an "okay"....it was good enough for me. really......we all need a little encouragement sometimes and perhaps a "little magic" to cheer someone up.

____________________________________________

why couldn't i feel anything anymore. seriously, sometimes i feel like a stay-at-home mum. like busy for everyone but never for myself. it came to a point where hanshen calls me "mummy" (not that i don't like it...it's really okay)then i realised the time i give to my fellow friends is more than i give for myself. it seems that many times, for a certain event, or a certain meeting, the time has to be comprimised from my friends.

it has reached a point that quite frankly, i'm afraid of going out with people now....not that i don't like them, but rather i'm afraid they don't like me.

okay-it may sound paranoid but i'm sure everyone has their own insecurities. times like these are crucial where they checks and balances of life come into play. furthermore, it really sucks when you have to be strong for everyone else. like my senior had promised herself before our syf that she'll never cry and b there for the band. so now, i promise myself that i'll never cry and be there for everyone.

oh! but how i wish someone were there for me......like to comfort and hold my head while i weep, whether it is in joy or sorrow.

it's very hard to control yourself when you're leading a group of people who count on you. it's even harder when they fall. i'm not very strong inside, but for them we all have to be strong for one another.

"Feel" - Robbie Williams

many times i sing this song in my head, that strain to burst out kills me. in alot of occasions when that song plays and i'm in public, that urge to sing the song overwhelms me. what's more, it's not "socially acceptable" when you start to scream itelligible lyrics in public. now you know how i feel inside?

okay....call me selfish. But right now, what i really like to do is to call all the people i love and care as well as admire. and if it weren't for the thing called friction between people, i'ld done that everyweek and just talk about things. from serious to silly.....i'll take them all.

i don't want to be known as some granny that's all about serious stuff. i am fun and i want to recoup my "fun" spirit after i've stepped down and just forget about the pretenses that were expected of me. i'll leave that to the next batch or something.

don't know how to put this across in another way but i hope that YJ Winds will still accept me even after i've stepped down. because i love the j1s this year and even though i've stepped down and all, i'll still have the urge to come back - and the only gracious thing i beg of you is to let me come back willingly and let me just be me. i want to play....

it's a bad time to "want to have fun" but perhaps, inside i know that if i don't start loosening up soon - things will spiral downhill and more people will suffer.

you don't have to be there all the time, let someone take care of you once in a while.

suddenly, a familiar yet strange feeling welled-up inside me. i know this is going to be a turning point and if i step into it - god knows what will happen. how i longed for someone just to hold me and keep me safe......we all need a hug sometime :)