today, sadly, i come back to blog about things which - well- are not pretty....

personal opinions aside: including those of "i didn't want to do this" and "it's not entirely my fault" and "it's always the management problem".

can we look into where and what is going wrong?

first things first, i wanna state where i'm coming from: i love the yj band as much as i love music, and my personal promise is that difference must be made while i'm here and capable.

okay, perhaps things have already turned out this way and some too many things are left unsaid from the floor.

what is the real cause of our problems, the VERY ROOT of it?

imagine you see your mum coming back home, sloshing around the work for the day, dirty work outfit and then......nags at you for coming back home putting ur hmwk around the house, and still in yuor stained uniform watching television...

how do you feel?

and then scolds you and blames you for your poor grades due to you poor personal behaviour, and starts to link up everything else.

how do you feel NOW?

you can always rebutt back and say, "you yourself throw your work all over and don't keep up your personal hygiene" who are you to say us?

have you heard of the saying that parents lead by example.

that's our fundamental problem, we don't lead by example. i don't want to quote failures in not doing so, but rather highlight those who do. so much of how weisheng wants to do his personal stuff (ie shopping) he still comes for band regularly, takes ownership of the new accounts and plays well. that is an example of lead by example, to be able to play well first, and then teach later, to be able to exercise responsibility and commitment FIRST.

do we truly lead by example? i know i dont' sometimes....i also procrasinate when i come into the band room instead of preparing early on some days.

when we forget that we are leaders, we inevitable forget that we need to lead by example. i do that in other areas; as much as mr david has reminded me so. then when leaders do not hold themselves upright and righteous in all that they do - how can they then expect the members to do the same?

another issue is that jrs come in with their own set of values from their previous band, like taking care of instruments and the proper ways of regular maintainence. much of it is lost due to the fact that they don't see memebers of the band doing the same. so good things are lost because we, as j2s, as exco memebers, as the music committee don't enforce such values.

on a personal level, i understand how frustrating it is to see a band, or any organization at all, not produce the desired results. so that's why i've decided to forgo my status and come eye to eye with the problem...regardless the cost that i might have to bear in the future of what i'm going to say below.

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i'm not speaking from a point of an s.c but rather as a member of the band.

i've lost interest over the months, and i thought that being an s.c can make a difference.

however, naivety have cost me alot emotionally. we're all individuals in more ways than one and hence, habour opinions.

many times, in the early days, i've let them get in the way....fighting for my voice to be heard so that i can implement the changes which I want.

do you see how dumb i was? negleting that fact that other people may also have other ways of running the band.

so gradually, i swallow my own thoughts except of some outbreaks in which tolerance have been breached and i've paid the price anyway....so my conscience is clear

but slowly - when you start knwoing that people closest to you feel the same way as you do, you start to break apart. and that was where interst ran downhill.

after today talking with some people (non-band), i start to reason with myself......

-i'm not ashamed of what i told you that i needed that break on friday. it can be looked at both ways, one is that i'm becoming unresponsible and not leading by example myself. that these projects and competition is of my own self and band should not be put into this. for the above, i admit my mistake. but hardly is anything one-sided. i'm losing my interest because time and time again, i don't see changes. minor changes, yes, but not major and crucial ones. it came to a point last week that i should just do what is in my scope instead of going for that extra mile, hence for my lack of interest. it came to a point that the concert and syf does not mean anything to me anymore - why is that so?

don't lead by example leads to people losing respect and stature for leaders leading to the ill-discipline and the wayward culture of the band - leading to leaders reprimanding and "blaming" faults on sections or people for the poor performace leading to members feeling maligned and unjustified leading to more problems leading to leaders reprimanding again leading ot even more unhappiness in members......blah blah blah....

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The issue of sectionals

- when people see and acknowledge that the leaders are not practising as hard and digressing, people will start to set double standards. they no longer see you the same...

- the issue of scores to be settled is inevitable but if sectionals time is compensated, then it has to be stopped.

- the issue of me concentrating too much on one section. firstly, my role here is not to take sections for sectionals but rather over see and solve problems in the music committee. if a particular section is weaker the i'll attend to it. so s.ls have to approach me if they require help of any kind. since perc and clar have approached me, so i'm helping them....so to improve things this is what i'm going to do.

mon sectionals: i'm concentrating on lower brass

tue: perc

wed: clarinets

any other sections who require help? you have to bring forward your problem.

- settling down: i can be done in a short time but time just gets dragged along when during the start of the practice, people don't take the initiative to set my chairs, and instruments first when they reach the band room early. we always wait when the time strikes 3:30pm or 5:30pm before anything really gets done. and is that the entire fault of the members solely? or is that more of like us not taking the LEAD...to lead by example.

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our members feel maligned because their voices are not heard....and their voices are not heard because we do not listen and be observant. i wouldn't have known these until i personally find out from a few members.

i wouldn't have tolerated any of this if not i'm part of the management.

"am i not doing enough for the members?" , "am i incapable?" - i often ask kris....

now i understand how it feels to be part of them and face the challenges they see and the injustice they feel, because i share the same injustice.

these are just my personal opinions....because i know some part of the the blame is on me and that i cannot refute.

on the other hand, it's not fair for one person to admit the mistake when others don't. do you understand what i'm trying to say? you said to work better with mr sim, i've tried and overcome that personal obstacle....you said to better coordinate for sectionals, i've come up with this focusing-strategy. you said that i have to come down every day for band for sectionals and combine, i argue, but in the end, i work around it and do what you asked. you said that we should just do what we are supposed to do, so i made arrangements to write the script and leave the planning to you just as you want me to.

but in the end, when silently, i prayed for some sort of understanding, as a friend, you met me as a leader.

when i asked openly for solutions to a prevailing problem, i am met by a friend who assures me that they will overcome it.

when the band doesn't play well, i feel responsible in some ways.

when the band doesn't feel motivated, do you feel responsible as well?

how many times must we make the mistake before we can truly learn that the problem doesn't lie with the people we lead but the one leading?

how many times will history repeat itself until future generations learn?

who said we were pioneers - we are nothing until we make significant changes

but most importantly, we are not leaders, if we do not win the hearts of those who are being led.

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right now, i'm not a leader - in the eyes of our band members. but i'm willing to change that

from today, i'm going to stick to my promises and make the most amount of changes - in my own personal crusade of not being a slacker anymore, and to make a difference in their lives.

i will do whatever i can in my power - this is my ultimate promise to the band.