yesterday was a guilt ridden day...and it's eating me today, so i'm going to spill the beans.

since band fest performance, it's been hard. why? well...you know when it comes to money, everything becomes sensitive right?especially when you deal with people you care about etc...it's known that monetary matters can tear up families.

so, because all of us have to sell tickets for the band festival and i didn't managed to sell mine, luckily shannon wanted to buy from me. so i thought everything would be okay. but then, 15mins from the performance, her friends didn't want the tickets anymore...to add on to the trouble, i've already paid for them. so it's very hard for both of us - that i understand....

if i've made things difficult for you in anyway, i really apologise...but things are just that...if there's a way i can handle it better, do tell.

so i told shannon on the phone that i thought her friends were irresponsible and asked her how she would want to deal with it.....basically, i was worried about the money, because since i've been spending in large amounts for band recently, and the idea of more money flying out the window for the reaons given by her friends were incredulous.

it's not so much of the money i think...it's more of keeping your word.

i apologise for being straightforward, because from my point of view, i cannot see any other way of dealing with it. i also want to apologise for not handing you the ticket earlier, if not this would not have happened....

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perhaps we've been spending alot of time together and everything, friction can arise from it.....among many others

yesterday during rehearsal, the props took longer than usual and it ate into the rehearsal times, also the delivery for lunch had to take longer than usual, so plans were basically interrupted. maybe due to many insecurities that is why i chose to rehearse with the band before mr sim came.

then when that didn't happen, it was very upsetting...and i flared up - which i shouldn't.

but in those days when you're tired from yesterday and stress just builds up...it's inevitable.

i don't know how to apologise because i felt really bad when lala apologised to me...and i know guanyu showed me the hamorn mute to make me feel better...(and it did, really, i'm still fascinated)

so guilt just rides over you know? that's why it's eating me inside out.....

then during rehearsal with mr sim, when he came in - i just froze up...it's stressful

i still don't know why i cannot talk to him. yet, again, i know the answers, but don't want to face it due to my insecurities again.relax, i'm dealing with it.......

then he said to us about being independent and not so much as relying on the conductor to drill basic things to us. i agree with him...yet, i feel abit helpless because there are plans in my head but i don't know if they're CORRECT...some part is afraid that i'll lead the band in the wrong way...

so i kinda understand how betty feel....the more oyu expect, the less you get

that's where another guilt comes it, because i feel that i've not done enough for the band...we may be doing alot of things, but we're not doing those that are most effective for the band. ocnversely speaking, i've been doing alot of things...but i'm not doing the core of things.

the last guilt is for our president...she's been doing alot of things for us, and although inside, i might not agree, but things work out in the end. while we're getting to the end, i often show that i disagree which is unhealthy for the morale of the band....it just takes awhile to get used to what is going on....but like anything - things can be improved. some sick part of me always seek improvement...

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why am i saying all these things...?
because yesterday, while i came back and said hi to shannon and fadzil, they didn't look too happy to see me. it was a crushing blow and there are many reasons i gave; like they were zoned out while packing the library and fadzil is listening to music etc.

however, i know it's not it and things i've done have also pissed people off.indeed, earning points in social life is not a goal...which is why i might seem distanced when someone talks to me.

it's true, i'm not listening most of the time because i've preoccupied in my mind with alot of things.but i'll help you whenever i can....i'll listen when you have problems and will solve them with you....having many things to juggle at hand is an excuse to keep me occupied, so i wouldn't need to deal with "social" issues....

that's the biggest guilt i harbour now...and it's about time i let them go - or else it wouldn't be healthy right?

some people make others feel extremely guilty...by their expressions. some people create guilt for themselves because they don't do it right in the first time.

from what i've learnt so far - don't create guilt. just do something right for the first time then you wouldn't have any regrets....