i know i don't anymore....what is future...? it's called false hope.

there is no such thing as future, everything's pretty much laid out for you when you were born isn't it? kindergarden, primary school, secondary school, junior colleges and polytechnic and then university.

today, my dad came back and told me straight in the face, "qiqi, after you A levels, you better study in NUS or something, because papa has no money to send you overseas to study. Papa's CPF only can use for local university."

my heart just broke you know? like the sound of dropping a crystal on cement...

then my dad apparently wasn't caring too much how i really feel and literally had his eyes glued onto the television and cheered at the Goal....apparently, his daughter wasn't as important as Arsernal.

so i turned to my mum and asked her ," so i don't go overseas then i study what in singapore? there's no courses for me."

"go work lor...."

"straight after A's?"

"ya lor....be waitress lor...."

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Go figure how hurt i feel now.....

i don't know what am i doing in Jc all of a sudden. perhaps i should just drop school and go poly to do food science and nutrition like i should have done in the first place.

when i say i wanted to go poly, papa just said ," don't go poly lah, no future one...go JC better. huh....papa want you to go JC, ah ma wants you to go JC...."

what's so god damn bloody good about going JC then? what have i learnt?

learnt that coming here was a mistake?

i applaud at those who have the courage and the vision to stand up for what they want. as you can see, dear reader....i'm not one of those who can.

so i'm sitting down here and whining about all the things i CANNOT do.

it's about time to turn tables around won't you say?

you know what....i don't need your damn CPF, neither do i need your pathetic sympathy....you know a thing called scholarship?and you can tell me that so righteously when you have bought over 50 lacoste products and claim to have no money....what kind of a father is that? what kind of a father shows such hypocriticism to his daughter?

be a waitress? hah....i rather prostitute myself.

it's so demeaning to have your parents hold such opinion of you....."be a waitress lah...."

it's not funny and neither is it amusing.how many times have i dreamt of travelling...how many dreams i have of travelling....going exotic places, doing the things i love - studying the things that interest me.

what really interests me is rocks....those hard things that give you blisters.

what really interests me is food....those everything stuff you take for granted.

what really interests me is theatre....those sets and overall beauty of it.

but sad to say....circumstances give me no chance.sometimes, money can really buy everything.

and perhaps it's time to say that i'm sick of all the "no claudia, you're just an average child.....don't expect too much of yourself. you can't compete with who who who.....they're born smart"

to hell with all those.....right now, it's no more a matter if i get that bloody H3 paper anymore...it's time to stop dreaming and work for real stuff.

real stuff like money, real stuff that gets you a place YOU sneer at people and tell them they're not good enough. real stuff like control...real stuff like authority.

it's frustrating to know....that in the end, the things that you wish for would eventually cause you to become hollow... because money can never buy you the acceptance of those you crave most.