it's killing me....slowly, like some sort of a stone is on me and sapping my life sources bit by bit...

after all the preparation for the cambodia trip, nothing seems to be prepared. there are chords to learn, endless lessons to plan and oh well.....there's never-ending things to do.

but for all the preparation, there isn't one that can prepare me for the conflicts to come. Some people say, when you anticipate it, then it will come....because somehow you unknowingly react in that way...call it paranoid or whatever, but i feel that the conflict will start from me....i feel like a sense of helplessness....somehow like i can't do anything about it.

maybe it's due to the overwhelming stress of getting back the papers, studying new topics and teachers scaring you about the upcoming block test....and not to mention the fellow friends around that are battling for their fate-the fate of retaining.

it all adds up you know....somehow you just want to get away from it all....take a hike, a holiday-whatever

after all the feathers have settled, i'm still proud to say this (call it bragging if you like): by juggling some many roles, so many positions and so many activities, i'm proud of myself that i can get reasonably good results, although they may not be too fantastic (triple or quardriple A's) but, i'll take it one step at a time

don't - ever - again say that i take up too many roles. because if i'm not mistaken, i've proven that i can succeed in juggling more that 5 balls in the air and smile while doing it.

yes, there'll always be a price. because committment means personal sacrifice.

i'm just very glad of all the times i was fed-up, or tired or simply wanting to give up, i didn't....and sometimes they say exams isn't everything...it's so true isn't it? personal development is perhaps more important today....but because human beings are always outdoing themselves, perhaps there is a need to add more substance besides the paper qualifications.

but yet, what are the social and personal costs?

it's not because i'm smart or capable. to tell you the truth, i just pretend....but because i'm willing to sacrifice for results...even though many times i'm in doubt whether i should do so.

it's not bad - to doubt oneself sometimes. like these few days, i seem to make kirst irritated...dunno if we're both having menses?lolz, but surely...there must be more than that. and that is what scares me.

who wants to see someone irritated, or sad, or frustrated...some part of you just cries out for them. yet there is courtesy commanding you not to probe, and when you do, people tell you that you're a busybody.

it's not a bad thing to show a little care sometimes....just be yourself they say...

maybe this sense of dread is not what i think, but rather the heightened sense of anticipation for the future that's coming. 13days - yes, there'll be friction. i just hope that when it comes, it'll be accepted for who we are...forgive and move on.