Red, associated with passion, blood, gore, enthusiasm (more of pink really) but more interestingly, it also represents pain.

the hand on the shoulder do not necessarily mean comfort, it can also be condolence, it can also be "don't worry" among many other reasons.

today, my hand on your shoulder represent assurance. as a friend, that i will be okay. and secretly, i hope you will be okay too.

no matter how values ride, it still feels painful, not because of the wrongs you've kindly shown me, but the lost of self. the helplessness and yet, unwillingness to ask for help. because i can hardly give help to you in return. while the red ants bite my ass, it's a painful reminder(literally and figuratively) of the many things we've gone through together. but it's ironic, because of all the things we've gone through together, they're mostly happy, but why don't i feel happy?

right now, i'm not angry at anyone....just, lost of self? just, the tension finally broke in me? just.....i couldn't take it anymore.

the pain we both feel -

maybe you, more than me.

but i'm sure we have our fair share of it.

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it's disheartening to know, that friends around are sad.....(yvonne i know you're reading this) and that you're not really in the condition to comfort them. maybe we can both comfort each other.

maybe i can comfort you.

it's like i hurt you, and assuming you still want me by your side, i'm also the one to comfort you- in logic? but i don't know if it's unfortunate or fortunate, we both have shoulders to lean on at times of need.

most of all, i don't know if this action of leaning from you, has hurt you somehow.

it's comforting to know, they will also there when you need them too.but that is what my heart wants you to know.

i open up more easily...maybe i don't have the strenght you possess.

i'm not good at telling people what i really feel inside. because it never occured that i'll be stronger because of it.

but i'm learning.

aren't we all?

i dun know if apology still works, but i just want to say sorry. sorry for not being able there when you're down because i was too afraid - sorry, for being such a lousy friend, who cannot make you laugh heartily.for making you doubt your place in my heart. maybe it never occured to be too, what friends really mean in my heart.

but now, right now, i know.....they are something i can not classify, friendships just happen. because they just happen, that is what makes it more magical.....

it's maybe we both have different outlooks on what friendship means (or used to mean, in my present context)? i'm not saying you're wrong, or i'm wrong. it's just - different.

i have so much words running through my head, just random words running in my head.

_______but right now, i dun know what else to say_________

in case it shocks some of you - why i can cry and then laugh later.

if you suspect it's all a show (people have told me that before)....it's really not a show.

least of it, it's somehow my way of dealing with emotional conflict. to switch between reality and practicality in somewhat of an instant, because it hurts too much to bring those emotions up....easier to push them away. it's just a way of recovering - especially when time doesn't allow you to wallow in your own sadness.

and sorry, minyi that i couldn't tell you right there and then, and thankyou for not pursuing it. it's not that i don't trust you or what, it's just that i'm not ready to go through it again....

maybe next time when i look back.....i can smile and understand.

what is change?

if you want to ask me frankly, this "change" thing is making me tired. it's draining me out. change change change change change change change change change.....transform, whatever you call it.

almost akin to my mum's nagging.

it's like studying right now, you have to do it because it's for yuor own good. you have to strive through because the future will be better.

but unlike studying, you don't really get a framed paper out of it.

damn change~what i really need right now, perhaps, it's a break. we all need holidays whether we like it or not (what am i saying, of course we like it)

and maybe when i'm ready, i can start again.

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kirst, you were right, i'm more forthcoming with my emotions. somehow i don't hesistate to ask for help. but today, i did stall for help, because somehow i felt no right to ask. but now it's okay....you were right, "it's okay". and i really appreciated everything you've told me.....it was exactly what i so needed to hear. i'm not good at this but...and some people like xinyi, who always knows and cares.....-i'll be there if you need me too....a silent wall for you to bang on, a teddy to hug, a listening ear etc....(i'm not very good at listening...but i'll try)

i'll be there for you too....

but some how i dun know how to be there for you because in a way, i'm afraid....afraid of not saying the right things anymore. i want to be there for you, but i don't know how, i don't know how.......

being a bloodily ridiculously honest person, i assumingly think that people are also forthcoming with me. maybe assumptions really make an ASS-out of-U-and-ME.

it's like crossing a road, you don't cross on to the other side without waiting for the green light. i've been waiting, but it's been red ever since, as far as to my knowledge (maybe it did turn green, but i didn't realise). somehow that makes me feel slightly inadequate...because somehow i never felt i could do something for my friends around me

maybe i'm overly sensitive(which i dun think so, rather i'm more insensitive-apathetic as dylon would have put it), there wasn't even any warmth in the red i see.even after the mock exam.

so hard i've tried to be civil, to "behave" so that i don't hurt someone else.

but the more i try, the more mistakes i make.

to hell with being civil.

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i don't know anymore than you do. and i'm almost certain that you do have your problems as well. not only this, but more that that....studies etc etc.

how do i comfort you?

have you already made up your mind to drift apart?

you asked me to listen to my heart.

what if my heart tells me that we should just let things be, and see how they turn out.

what if i'm the one who has drifted and not you?

so many questions isn't it?

so many of them not yet answered. i trust that you still treasure our friendship....somehow the part of me just want to let go. because it's so tiring and it's seemingly hopeless.

but like you said, it wouldn't make me happy. in the short run yes, but in the long run....no.

i hate to say this, and it might even hurt you for me mentioning - i'll let go, when you want it to go too.

but at the immediate moment, personally, i need rest. and maybe you need it too.

i'm feel lousy for making you feel lousy.....and since it's better if you get better, maybe it'll be better for me too.

of course, from my point of view - things aren't really hopeful.

but i'll leave it to fate to clear out the haze for me.

because i'm finally tired of holding the reins....it's time to pass them on to you.