CLAUD

Thursday, October 12, 2006

What Should be Done

What Should Be Done

What will happen, has happened....and there's really no need for gratitude-we're all friends.....this is what friends are sometimes for.

Perhaps experience has made us all wiser....from handling delicate situations to changing ourselves. It's a paradox to say - that you change for yourself because ultimately you change for others. and when you change for the better, you benefit in the end.

Confused?So am I.......

I don't want to be seen as some figure who dictates the things around me. But sometimes it happens and not alot of people can take it.

So perhaps that's a point where i'll start watching. Play the player first and be patient....

So today really opened the doors of reality for me, for her, for everybody. that friendships is not all peaceful and about yourself.

I don't want to claim as a self-less person and that all the time i've thought about the people around me first. No....i haven't done so as often as i'd like to. But i'm trying....

there are a lot of unspoken words that pass through in friends. Like unhappiness with one another, some irking moments. or one that ranges to total fadeout of the friendship....it's really a matter of IF we still care about each other. It maybe one things for you to care, but does your other friend care?

It's hard to put it across in words because i'm also going to go through what has happened today. Of course, minus the screaming and all...hope we won't come to that.

Listening to people's comments about your bad-points, maybe not be all that bad. Words closest to the heart, hurts most.

To know a comment like that will come one day, it's like going for war. You're never ready for war, but you'll want to when it comes because of the will to live on.

I'm not likening these comments to war, but rather the similar feeling you get when you are going to hear it.

True....life isn't all that smooth sailing.

True.....we can always retreat into that cocoon of happy memories and not come out forever

True.....we're very much like hand-puppets.living out the stories we choose....

To choose to retreat into a space to protect myself from facing up to these comments won't get me very far. a caterpillar has to become a butterfly. I'm sure that pea-brained caterpillar isn;t conciously aware, but instinctively it'll want to become better.

To become better: the definition is really up to oneself. No two molds are alike. So we're constantly finding the bumping points to fix so that we both can mesh together. okay....that sounds like sex-apologise for that. If one bump hits another bump, and you can't fit because of that, then would you go on to find another mold? or would to try again? Adjusting the angle so that it all fits? That would be akin to fixing a jigsaw puzzle - with everyone piece perfectly placed to make a whole.

If you don't mind me to say so - being a perfectionist, i don't count on the idea of perfection. There is no such thing as perfection. To think yourself perfect is imperfect....

But it's not a totally wasted idea. it serves us as some sort of a guide to work towards to.

I'm afraid, afraid of what awaits me.....yet i'm glad, glad whatever that i'm getting in the future will benefit not only myself, but the people around me too.

It's no longer a matter of being blamed.(something which i used to believe strongly in)

Neither is it the matter of being condemned.

But it's a matter of care from your fellow friends who want you to morph into something more beautiful....and in turn they themselves will turn into something more beautiful.

But the fear actually comes from whether i can live up to my promises. That i'll change for the better and not give into a moment of self-interest.

__________________________________________________

Maybe it's my lack of security that there's no exam, no grade to judge on my progress....Maybe change is something tiring....and at times of breakdown, you're constantly reminded of the reasons you change for.

Maybe sometimes people are lost themselves at what to do and turn to you for an answer that we both cannot provide.

But care.

Care is enough,

To bring us there.....

Can I have your word?

That you still care?

18:28