Have you heard about the observer-actor effect? No? perhaps i can enlighten you....

but first, today, i promised myself that i wouldn't blog anything insensitive, hurting (because i've hurt too much already) and spiteful(i have no right)

the observer-actor effect is when you think someone is more predictable and rational than you. you assumes that his/her behaviour has been thought by his/her rationally. so any behaviour that conjures negative feelings in you, must be a product of his/her rationality.

why am i saying this?

because i think that is butt of most misunderstandings.

somethings, some actions of people cannot be accounted for. it's just there.

it's like when you love someone. do you know why? because you and yuor partner can "clique" then why aren't you and your partner just best friends?

there is no straight answer to account for someone else's actions - more so when sometimes it tends to irrtate the hell out of you.

BUT....it's not an excuse to delibrately hurt someone.

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do you understand where i'm coming from, what i'm trying to say?

perhaps i'm melancholic. my "up" times come briefly but my "down" times are always present.

today going out with xinyi, van, grace, huishan, jialiang, adrain, jeremy, krist was a breather....not just from YJC promotional exams, but simply just everything.

school, school friends, best friends....sometimes, it's frustrating to know that you cannot live without friends, but sometimes you cannot live with friends either.

so some people treat this by laughing it off and according to kirst, gloss over the bad times like they never happened.

is it because it's too painful for both parties to talk about it? i know it's certainly more painful from the source than the recieving end of it.

not to mention that both parties get hurt.

halt....why are we working for friendship...you're right, we either clique or don't clique. there's no point by forcing in the jigsaw puzzle that don't fit just for the temporal pleasure of watching it fit. because in the long run, they picture will turn out ugly in the end.

so long and hard i've fought against my own destiny.

my name means leadership(not only the latin word for "lame", ppl)....O.o), and to treat people like i want to be treated. a totally honest person....hahahaha

fits me? some might even say i look like my name.

the description of my name my mum bought off the streets of bishan j8 13 years ago seem to be etched into my character.

like eve once mentioned after the fight blew over: don't try to make yourself fit for other people because if they are really your true friends, they'll accept you for who you are.

so maybe i'm asking more than what i bargained for.

so maybe, we both don't realise or want to admit that we don't clique.

so maybe, at this point of being irrational, i'm wrong.

so maybe, sometime in future and look back at this, i maybe right all along.

whatever, the outcome must be, i've yet to anaylsed and come to a predictable conclusion. perhaps we're both too busy with our school demands to give this -thing much thought.

it's not anyone's fault.

i've not come across best friends who haven't fought before.

i've not come across friends who don't even have friction between then once in a while.

the matter of overcoming this has 2 ways

one is to run from it, pretend it has never happened. (well, it's proven to be ineffective)

so the other is to have a face-off. (it broke me from my friends once)

it seems both ways have it's "side-effects". it occured to me just - that these things cannot be calculated.(too many variables they say)

have you ever have the feeling that you are so right, that it never occured to you that it may be wrong?

i dun know, i'm not specifying you here. it's for all "you"-s reading this.

i had once, to be proven wrong when i was so sure that i was right. no it's not miscalculation. it's misinterpretation.

that is what makes relationships of any kind so difficult.

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the meaning of achieving is not to score A's. it is to overcome your maximum - that is what my definition is.

don't think that i'm striving and driving myself for the ground for this. the laziness part do come in.

come to think of it now, i'm more of a dreamer. there's no point in proving myself to others that i can write well and communicate well. or to prove that i'm smart, logical and informative.

the truth people, is that i WANT to write well, communicate well. i WANT to be smart, logical and informative. but i've never worked for those. at least, not conciously.

so perhaps people are right when they say taking a H3 paper was out of my realm.

i'm just a normal kid with dysfunctional dreams.

it's a shame to cry today. it's a shame to cry for something you believe these days.

you know why? if i said that i cried because i let mr ong down. would i get responses like "he's only mr ong what, waht's so good about him"?so now perhaps i should tell you. personally, i respect him, maybe not alot, but i respect him. because it's very difficult to handle 18 students and maintain the school rules at the same time. the payoff would be those thunderbolts of irritation he'll face when he walks into the class everyday. besides, i appreciate the life-experiences he shares in class.....but of course, at the same time i can symphathize with you guys "arrowed" by him. he's just a very simple person....too blatant and explicit for some of us to accept.

which is why i find that i can never live up to his expectations. yet again, maybe i'm assuming that i'm so goo so he has high expectations of me. *shrugs*

i dun know. the one of the real reasons why i cried today is the shame of letting mr ong down. i know he'd expected much more from me (at least that's what i think). and maybe i'm trying to hard to meet his expectations. it's just brings us back to my old point, i WANT to score well. so perhaps i should start working on it as well.Oh, but i forgot, i'm lazy remember?

damn laziness....

i just want to punch someone. to vent out my anger, frustration about the world around me. today, right now...don't know what my reaction will be like, when i get the verdict on 17nov.

you're probably smarter than me afterall, maybe i'm the dreamer here.

- life has killed the dream I dreamed -