The rose sits beside my table

I've typed and retyped...yet even words can stumble at times. sometimes actions do speak louder than words. and yes, my actions have spoke for themselves. and yes, i feel like shit not because of you. but more because of who i am. and maybe who i'll always be......

but firstly, i want to clarify some things on my previous posts :

"who makes an account on how many times you pissed me off"- the you does not mean, YOU specifically...it's means a general "you"..

the previous post is ugly - maybe i've already irritated you even before this thing has all happened, that's why you didn't want to aggrevate the situation by not talking to me. perhaps we've already been drifting since saturday. so many questions, so little answers

Reply: to the one who always signs me as the "buddha under the bodhi tree"

Perhaps no one knows this, perhaps those of you reading will come to know. I find it extremely uncomfortable putting pictures of friends, pictures of my family. Maybe I don’t want to be known as a sentimental person. To tell you the truth?because it still hurts,especially from last year. There is so many things I want to say sorry for, but they will never hear them…that's why i'm paraniod when you tell me that you "want to speak to be about something", because i was so afriad to lose you. but it came anyway. can i ask something? not that i doubt you, not that i'm saying you're lying, but did you avoid the truth to protect my feelings?

It will always hurt and will always continue to: and there are some things that you have the right to know.

for one, My birthdays will never be complete. Because I know I’ve lost something I cannot replace. I’m not saying that my friends in YJC are not important, they are….they stand in another place in my heart. But somehow or rather, you always find that friendships can never replace friendships.

I felt solely disappointed that Shangyi didn’t wish me happy birthday.
I felt solely blamed that Evelyn didn’t wish me happy birthday.
I felt sorrow when Jasmine didn’t wish me happy birthday.
I felt neglected when Joanne didn’t wish me happy birthday.
I felt disabled when Felicia didn’t wish me happy birthday.
I felt left behind when shirmain didn’t wish me happy birthday.
I felt lousy when Joshua didn’t wish me happy birthday.

I felt like dying when I let Cindy walk away.

But I was comforted to know that others accept me for who I am, and tell me that I’m a wonderful friend on my birthday. To speak the truth, it’s unsettling that they feel this way about me. Because, I’m still learning and will always continue to learn. – continue to grieve the losses.

So, do you still think I’m a wonderful friend after I’ve hurt you?

Do you still think I’m a blessing after all that I’ve done?

I don’t want to lie to myself and say that I’m okay. And now I find that I’ve overestimated my assumptions about your patience. and no excuse in the world can cover for that.....

The only regret in the past and now is that Cindy have gone, our friendship have go but to let go without letting her know that I still care. VERY MUCH…yet again, it may be one thing that I care, but does she want my care? I could hardly think so. Mrs tan has told me to forgive myself, and move on. my dad tells me that you can always find another friend. But i believe that Friendships can never replace friendships.

So - the days where we bake together and mess up her house are gone. The days where she thanks me for my muffins are gone. The days where baking for someone I care about are gone. Because I cannot give anything for them to come back to me again. i cannot give anything back for her sincerity because of the hurt i've caused her.

So maybe this is a small issue.

So maybe I’m dramatizing this thing.

Yesterday my tears were not that I felt sad, nor for others to pity me. But they were tears of regret and memories. Because all those reminded me of truly who I am. That as Cindy have said, “you cannot change, because you are Claudia Wong” and that “even if you tried, you’ll still be the same.” Yet she tells me “you can change to make yourself a better person, not for others to accept you”

The reason I’m telling you all these, is because maybe you can understand where this is coming from. How and why I feel like that on Friday. That it’s not your fault and those was what I was thinking on Friday on top of the present situation.

How I longed to be the Buddha under the bodhi tree….to let go of my desires and be free of suffering.

“I can’t wait for the brownies”

Yes true, maybe you might not be able to wait for the brownies anymore.

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So yesterday I slept for the whole day….somehow my method of running away from problems. And beryl and huishan and grace were so kind to have given me the emotional support I need. Sometimes, it feels so lucky to have friends, like them, to care and understand fully about what is going on. I want to thank them all for being so tactful and supportive. Really, I can never give that back.

It’s not fair to krist, xinyi, jialiang, minyi and vann that they had to accommodate me when I am down. My intention was never for them to become substitutes. But still, they were understanding enough to have accommodate me. So much for the bad times…..

Today, I want to explain things on my part. and right now i'm not even sure about anything anymore

Firstly, I cry very easily…yes, because I have healthy tear ducts. And yesterday’s tears would be been a substitute for my anguish. And yes beryl, I very much feel like screaming, and yes, i don't like to show people that i need people. and yes again, i don't like the fact that i care so much. sometimes i just want to heck care you know? to be angry and lying and cheating....and say whatever i want to.....because it's always easier. but no, i'll not give up for the easy, i'll not give in to the devil.

I feel like screaming for freedom. To get out of this school A.S.A.P. For this storm to brew over. For us to grow together and understand each other- Although you may not be ready to do so. I understand

For another thing is that I’m grateful that you didn’t write on my birthday card that you “HOPE that we clear A’s together and attend prom together” Because somehow or rather, it’s a sense of comfort for reasons unknown.

You are true to your word you know? Although we may both be under simmering heat and all. But you are true to your word.

Reading the card you gave me on my birthday was more than enough to get me through, although you are the one suffering all these. It’s almost that you’re talking to me. And that I can almost hear your voice through the words you write. It’s my fault that I made you feel bad and it’s unfair for you to take the beating when you’ve don’t nothing wrong. It really is simply the wrong person at the wrong time during the wrong situation. Friday, I wasn’t angry at you or anybody…and certainly not at you. More or rather, I was more afraid that angry that you were upset at me. To know that you were upset with me is what set the ball rolling down the hill for me. It just hit me that perhaps I haven’t changed at all. Perhaps what my nanny told me is true, that I have a horrible temper.

I can never the kind of friend like Sharkira can be. Because I’m not her and I think you already know that. I know you are affected by many things other than this, and to just give the benefit of the doubt, I really do not want to know. Maybe it’s time that I listen to some advice and let it go. It wouldn’t do us any good anyway if this is pursued. so how do we go on from here? can you lead me....

There’s one more important apology I want to make, I’m sorry for not being the first to say sorry and you let to apologise for something you have not done. To let you say sorry first is one thing I will never forgive myself for. The reason I didn’t want to say sorry first on my part is because I was afraid you wouldn’t give me the reply or rather a reply.

So in other words, I was a coward …..my counselor used to tell me that I had courage in the past, now I really doubt if I had that kind of courage she was talking about anyway. What is courage? To overcome your pride and to do something you know you have to? Then in that case, I don’t have the courage they are looking for. So I want to apologise for being a coward and for letting you apologise first when you really don’t have to.

please, it’s also not your fault for making me cry. I cried because I needed to… and partly because I wanted to. But then, I didn’t really manage to cry it all out because I know the other part of the puzzle is not fixed yet. It will not feel complete without knowing the fact that you’re okay. Not feeling okay just to make me feel better but rather feel okay for yourself.

I still have her number you know. But have not dialed it for 12 months now. It’s that long since she left. do you truly believe we can still be friends after all that has happened?

Thank you for always being there….once again, you’ve been true to your word: anything and anytime, you’ll always be around. and i treasure every single moment that you've made me smile - because the next time might be the last.

there are some many tears in the heart that never reaches the eyes.

and to yvonne: maybe i'm not the friend you're looking for and we've both been blind for 10 years of our lives. perhaps it's better for me to be left alone.

what one wants, if often what they do not want.-old chinese saying

so does it imply that i do not actually want friends even though i want them? or is it otherwise? if desire is evil, then is my desire for friends a sin?